The Gentlemanly Adult

OKCupid has the option of adding someone as your "favorite," and it used to have the option of letting them know you've "chosen" them.  As a woman using online dating to find potential partners, one thing I often do is "favorite" someone to let them know I like them, but I don't make the first move to write them because it feels like I'm stepping out of line with my gender role.  I figure, if they are interested they will write me when they see I've "favorited" them.

There was an attractive guy I added as a favorite many months ago but didn't write him a message.  He wrote me a charming little message directly after, and we had a delightful conversation that can only be described as the stereotypical rom-com "meet-cute."

Him:  Why bother adding me as a favorite if you aren't going to email me?

Me:  Haha you are straightforward! How's it going? I'm watching the Super Bowl with my family but paying zero attention.

Him:  That still doesn't answer my question.

Me:  I added you as a favorite when I first joined. I looked at a lot of people, favorited some, let them know, and figured if a guy was interested they would be gentlemanly and write me first.

Him:  Has nothing to do with being a gentleman. If you are going to act like an adult, then you'd contact the person if you are going to add them as a favorite.

Me:  I don't think that has anything to do with being an adult, at least not for me. It has more to do with gender roles in my opinion. But thanks for yours.

No response.  Months later, this Prince Charming forgot about our first interaction and engaged me in another one.

Him:  Where do you live?

Me: (Place that I live, which will never be publicly revealed)

Him:  I have a friend who lives right by there.  How are you doing?

Me:  I'm doing well, how are you?

Him:  Not too bad.  Although from reading your "multiple choice questions" I'm not sure how well we'd get along :(

Me:  Oh yeah?

Him: Yeah, a couple of things we wouldn't click on

Me:  That's normal in life.  Like what in particular?

Him:  Yes, but they are ones that aren't negotiable.  They are deal breakers.
Well 1) you don't drink at all and 2) you wait 6 dates or more to have sex

Me:  Ah.  Right.  So you are looking to get drunk and get laid on this site?

Him:  Nope.  I can get laid anywhere, that's not the issue.  And having a drink doesn't mean getting drunk.

Me:  Very true.  What is your answer to the number of dates sex question?

Him: 1-2

Me:  Wow.  Do you you mind me asking why?

Him:  Because both people know right away whether or not they want each other sexually.  It is stupid in my option to wait and then find out that you don't click sexually.  The longer someone waits, the less interested I am.

Me:  Fair enough.

Him:  I hope you find someone that is at your level.

Me:  Thank you.  Same to you.

Sigh.  The glass slipper didn't fit this time.  I really thought he may have been "the one."  I cried myself to sleep for the next 6 nights.

Woah, She Said the Same Thing You Said!

Admittedly I was never interested in joining the dating site Plenty of Fish (POF).  The name really grossed me out because it sounds so causal... Like "there are plenty of fish in the sea... to get with."  One night out of sheer boredom I joined to see what it was all about.

I put up on very unclear picture of my face because I wanted to remain as anonymous as possible on that site.  Within hours my mailbox was flooded with messages from all kinds of guys.  I decided the next day to meet one of them who seemed really eager to meet me.  He was very tall, a profesional, of a good age and seemed friendly enough.  We agreed to meet at a bar on the roof of a fancy hotel.

He was good looking, talkative, presented as interested in getting to know me and we had a lot in common.  But something felt off.  I didn't feel entirely attracted to him.  He seemed distracted, he kept looking around as though he had ADHD and it was really turning me off.

After about an hour of talking, he mentioned it was getting late and asked if I needed to go home.  I told him I could stay a little bit longer as I was enjoying our conversation.  He got a blanket from our waitress (this trendy and hip rooftop bar comes equipt with blankets for cuddling dates) and we cuddled a little bit.

Literally 3 minutes after we began cuddling, a woman came up to us.  Her hands were placed on her hips and she looked angry, but I couldn't tell if she was joking or not.  My first thought was that she was one of his friends and he didn't say hello to her when he walked in.  Boy was I wrong!

"What the FUCK are you doing here?  (Looks at me)  Did you know he has a girlfriend?  Did you know *I* am his girlfriend?

Calmly I said, "Um, I just met him tonight."

She looks back at him and says, "Get your shit out of my fucking house.  YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

And she stormed off.

I sat in silence for a full minute.  I finally said, "Um, what was that?"

"We're on the rocks."  He said.

I then got about 5 different stories clumsily muddled together.  He started with telling me they were on a break.  I asked if they were living together (ala "get your shit out of my fucking house") and he said no.  Then he mentioned he was living with her but he was taking a break and staying with his parents while they were fighting.  Next thing I know, he tells me he's been really nice to her lately so she probably thinks they are still together.

I ask him how she found us here. "She's psycho!  I had a feeling she'd come here."  I concluded that his level of distraction must have been because he was wondering if she'd show up by following the bread crumbs he left for her.  I have about 5 theories on how she found us but I'm too lazy to type them all out right now. 

She began texting him and I tell him it's fine to respond while I'm there.  She was asking him to come over to talk that night and he asked me if he should do it.  I made a joke about mediating for the two of them, and he exclaimed, "Great idea!  Why not?"  I couldn't believe this dude!  What crack was he smoking?

I talked to him for about 20 minutes and I learned a lot about their relationship. It was pretty sad actually.  He said that she had horrible insomnia and would wake up all grumpy, yell at him, and look in the mirror and cry about how old she was getting.  He eventually told me he was staying with her "kinda of" while he was "seeing what else was out there" because she did have SOME good qualities and he wasn't sure if he should totally break it off with her just yet.  I told him it's a really good idea to break up with someone BEFORE you start dating other people.  "It's not like I was sleeping with any of the people I've met while we've been together!"  Saving grace, my friend.  Real smart.

He walked me to my car.  He gave me a hug goodbye.  He then got another text from his non-girlfriend/girlfriend. 

"Woah, she said the same thing you said!  That I should have broken up with her before dating other people!"

You think Einstein?

Since then he's written me a few times to tell me he's done with her for good.  I caved in and we're now in a loving and monogamous relationship based on honesty, trust and communication. 

SIKE!  I'm never responding to this guy.  Ever. 

We Luv Your Lips

I sign onto OkCupid one morning and was highly pleased to see that I received my first ever threesome offer!!  I felt so honored!  This super attractive (reality check: frumpy and dumpy) firey Latino couple wanted to lovingly get it on porno-style with me because I am so special and beautiful.  

Gd morning gorgeous. I must say that we luv your lips, and you have an amazing smile. 

I hope you had a good start to your extended wkend. 

BTW are you curious and do you like Latinos? Its our lifestyle gorgeous. 

Juan and Maria

I wondered what to do next.  Respond and eagerly await to hear back?  I was too nervous, they seemed so experienced and suave, I feared I would not meet their high expectations in the bedroom.  I opted to brag to my friend Linda rather than respond.

"Look at the message I received this morning!  I'm so cool!"

"Show me their profile," Linda said.  She's also on OkCupid and could easily look them up.

"Okay, their screen name is LatinaLovin69."

Now on OkCupid, if you don't fix your settings to be anonymous, whoever you view can see that you viewed them.  Within minutes Linda got a response from them too.

"Oh my, they saw I viewed their profile, and they sent me the SAME message!"

"Really?  They luv YOUR lips too?  I felt really special, I thought I had special lips," I whined.

"Yup, the exact same message."

"Aw, guess I'm not special. :-\ "

"You are always special to me Tina."

"Aw, and I have a beautiful mouth to you?"

"LOL, totally," said Linda.

"Yay!  I feel all special again!"

• • 
    

I decided to not write them back.  I realized that Juan and Maria are what a professional sexologist might call "players" and I decided that I really didn't want to get the clap.

The Best Online Dating Advice

Okay so it's not the BEST advice, but it's really good advice in terms of posting pictures of yourself.  I read this in a profile on OkCupid:

I don't get why people post exceptionally flattering photos of themselves. The purpose is to meet (I think?) so we're going to find out sooner or later. Better strategy is to go horrible photo--we meet up and it's Good Surprise! Yay! Bad Surprise? Boo!

Buff Dudes on POF are Like Monkeys

Note to self.... Do not EVER write super smoking hot guys on Plenty of Fish that have their tops off revealing ripped tan abs little messages that say things like, "Hunky!"  And then after they respond stroking my ego telling me I'm super sexy, do not EVER give out my phone number. 

THIS IS A SURE WAY TO GET PICTURES OF HUGE PENII WITH TONS OF MANSCAPING. 

It's happened more than once, people.  And it's terrifying.  And I keep forgetting not to do it.

Big buff dudes on POF are like monkeys.  If you interact with them they get an erection and take a picture of it and send it to you via iPhone.  It's a known fact that monkeys do this, they've been doing it for centuries. 

If I Don't Have Male Children, There's Going to Be Some Disappointment.

Here's an in person story for you.  I've been online dating for over 10 years, not because I'm ugly or weird but because I'm shy when it comes to dating.  The stories are fascinating and endless, but I'll start with this one for tonight.

I began writing to Tom on OkCupid.  He looked cute in his pictures but I had a sneaking suspicion that he didn’t look like them… So upon chatting online I asked him to text me another picture of himself.  Yikes, he didn’t look the same at all.  Not attractive!  But I met up with him anyway.   

We met at a very fancy restaurant.  I wasn’t attracted to him and I knew it right away.  We talked and he kept referring to himself as “an eternal bachelor.”  He told me how he only has condiments in his fridge and a bottle of milk, that he doesn't know how to cook and buys all his meals out.  "I don't exercise anymore and I've gained 15 pounds recently.  I make a lot of money at my job but I spend it all on food."  Super hot, dude!  You're really turning me on!  

Next came the gender role reversal, it was really hot, kind of like that fantasy I've always had about getting with a tranny. “I wanted to have kids before my grandfather passed away, but THAT didn’t happen.”  He went on to tell me that male sperm begins to decline after the age of 30, and that he’s 32 and is becoming increasingly concerned about his own sperm.  

"There's going to be some disappointment if I don't have male children," he said over dinner.

"Who's going to be disappointed?  Your dad?"

"Me," he exclaimed.  "The bloodline is passed down through males, and I will be very disappointed if I don't have male children to pass down my bloodline."

"Don't women have bloodlines as well?"  I asked.

"It's not the same thing.  The bloodline is passed down through the males."

Lord, he killed the boner I didn't have for him.  I wanted to go home, I felt terrible not being attracted to him.  It made me dizzy and sad to be on a such a nice date with someone I felt nothing for.  He walked me to my car, told me he didn’t want to let me leave.  Asked me what I was doing over the weekend and the next night.  I told him I wasn't sure and to text me.  

That night I came home and went on OKCupid.  I realize it's pretty rude to log on right after a fancy date with someone, but jeez these sites can be addicting.  Apparently he's addicted as well because he was on at the same time.  He sent me an instant message saying, “So, what’s the prognosis?”  I promptly signed off and vowed to deal with it the next day.   

The next day I sent him a text: 

Thank you for the lovely dinner.  I had a great time meeting you and I think you are a great person, but I don’t feel a romantic connection.

  I never heard back.

 I hope he finds someone to have boys with and pass that stellar bloodline down, I really do.

Would You Even Be Able to Handle That?

12:36am a few months ago.  I'm up late chatting on OKCupid.  I like to call this OKCupid After Dark, because sometimes normal conversations turn insane.  I'd have to say that this one takes the cake in the insanity department.  It will be an abridged version because this conversation was very long and the last part is the most interesting.

Him: hi there

        how is your week going?

Me: good

      how are you?

Him:  fantastic thanks for asking

         You sound very holistic

         I like

Me: nice

         yeah i am

Him:  are you an herbalist?

Me:  no haha

       but i do like herbs

Him: herbs can be fun

(We talk about herbs, life, insomnia, death, etc, for another 20 minutes.)

Him: I'm fascinated that I'm sitting here typing to you in this little electronic box, while living on this gigantic sphere that is FLYING through space and rotatiing in circles at amazing speeds

Me:  yeah

       it is fascinating

       and scary

       and exciting

Him:  yup

Me:  what do you do for work?

Him:  i'm a personal trainer

Me: nice

      i need a personal trainer!

Him: we could arrange a "fun" training session

         free of charge

Me:  ha

       what would that consist of?

Him:  whenever you did repetitions of squats, lunges, etc

         youd have to go down until your butt landed on my mouth

         and then back up

Me:  woah

        ha

Him:  for full range of motion

         but youd have to do it slow and controlled

Me:  don't quite understand but sounds funny

(Then we talk about exercising and hiking for another 10 minutes)

Me:  anyway i have to try to go to sleep

Him: aww ok

        are you gutsy at all?

Me:  how so?

Him:  ok be honest, would you have the guts to make a guy do whatever you said if he paid you a lot and no one knew?

Me: woah

      explain more

Him: ooh

       is it tempting at all?

       ok, would you make a guy stop and go?

Me:  i'm curious but i don't think i would do it

       i just am curious as to what you mean

Him:  like...you jerk a guy off very intensely, when he says hes gonna cum you stop. Then in a few seconds you start up again, when he says hes gonna cum you stop again, over and over making him take it?

Me:  and why is there payment involved in that process?

Him:  just as incentive really lol

        would you even be able to handle that

Me:  that doesn't sound like very risque behavior

       that just sounds like a sensate focus technique or something

Him:  its mild you mean?

Me: yeah

      very

Him:  how difficult do you think you could make it

        on a scale of 1-10?

Me:  i have no idea

Him:  ok for a lot more $

Me:  i've never thought about that before

Him:  would you dare do an enema in a guys mouth, laugh in his face

       take the $ and not care?

Me:  no

Him:  for like 5k

Me:  ha

Him:  maybe?

       if it was up front

Me:hold on

Him:  ok

      you think you could handle it

      you there?

I logged off.  I couldn't handle it.  I sent this chat to 10 of my friends, and they couldn't handle it either.

Bikini Boat Bingo

I'm driving in my car to work yesterday and I get a random text from a number I don't recognize:

Him: Hey, I was surfing.  Just got ur texts.  Im not sure, maybe boating this weekend if the weather is nice

Me: Who is this?

Him:  Haha sorry wrong Tina

Me: Lol!  But who is this?  Your number is not in my phone

Him: You sent me ur number a while ago on pof but i erased my account after 48 hrs

Me:  Lol okay.  What was your name on there?

Him:  (Sends a topless pic of a tan, ripped man)
Huh?  Reread my text

Me:  Yeah I know what you said, I was just curious what your account name was on there so I can remember who I am speaking with

Him: O have no idea.  I don't remember

Me: What's your real name?  Nice pic by the way.  That site is terrible, ugh!

Him: Tim.  I do remember u being really fucking hot.  Send a pic

Me: (Sent pic from a wedding)

Him: Nice

Me:  Send me a pic of your face

Him:  I might be way 2 wild for u

Me: How so?   Pic.  Of face.

Him: (Picture of face.  Another picture of face)  Demanding huh (Another tan, hairless and ripped chest picture, this time lower down)

Me: Haha

Him:  Haha?

Me:  Oh that you called me demanding.  Not at your pix. Nice pictures.

Him: (Sends picture of completely shaved genital area, giant penis, squeezing his own balls)
Still laughing?  Lol

Me: No

Him:  Send some.  Lets see what u have

Me:  No I don't send pictures to strangers sorry

Him:  2 bad because I was going to invite u boating this weekend.  R u Jewish?

Me:  Yes I'm Jewish.  Why would my sending you pictures effect you inviting me to go boating?

Him:  Now i remember u.  I am too
(Sends picture of a fancy boat on the open seas)

Me:  Where do you live?

Him:  (A nearby city)  R u going to send more pics or not

Me:  No pictures, sorry.  I don't send pictures like that

Him:  That sucks.  U seem to have amazing tits.

Me:  Yes, I do.  But it's the men that want to date me and don't ask to see them right away that get to see them.

Him:  Hahaha.  I didn't know I wanted to date u.  Chill the f out Tina and dont act like a princess

Me:  You don't have to be a princess to not want to send nude pictures via text to strangers.  I'm acting like a woman with class and not a slut.

Him: (Sends me a picture of a group of young people partying on a boat.  Two are thin young women in bikinis holding red plastic cups, looking very happy to be boating)
Lol

I didn't respond to the Bikini Boat Bingo.  Frankly it looked like too much fun and I was intimidated.  Today he sent me a picture of a giant erect penis with completely shaved pubes. 

Me:  Please don't send me these pictures anymore.

Him:  U dont like it?

Me:  No.  Why would I like random dick pictures from a stranger who was rude to me?  I'm not a gay man.  Women generally don't like dick pix.

Him:  Hahahaha ur one text msg away from being erased no wonder i never talked to u

Me:  PLEASE erase me!  I am not interested in talking to you

Him:  Im not interested in talking u either i just wanted to see those tits

Me:  Not gonna happen.  You're so incredibly charming I'm sure you get boob pix all the time when you send women your shaved dick pictures and invite them to drink out of red plastic cups in bikinis on your cool boat.

Him: :-)

**EXCITING UPDATE!**

I got a text the next day from him....

Him:  I want that jewie ass

Intro

Fuck it.  I'm just going to do this.  I'm going to make some very private things very public.  Because I can't be alone with these expereinces anymore.  Because these tales are too hilarious and fascinating not to be shared.  So welcome.  And enjoy.  I hope you can relate and learn something about the human experience, or at least get a good wank from my stories.  Just kidding... Kind of.

It is not my intention to hurt anyone or ruin any lives.  No private information will ever be shared, including mine.  This is an entirely anonymous blog, so if you know me or anyone in these stories, please do not publicly share identity information.  Thanks.