I've Come Undone

     
      This is it. Time for some honesty. Time to let down the goofy sardonic persona. Here is me undone.


      I've been dating in this big bad city for over a year and a half now. I have learned so much and yet nothing at all.  I set out on this dating journey hoping to reach a destination, one where I could take down my online profiles for good, settle down, curl up on a couch and nestle my head in his lap, burrow away for a lifetime. I wanted to say goodbye to old patterns, pick someone available, do it right this time.


      So where did it go so wrong?


      Is it me? Is it them? Is it that the Internet dating system is as flawed as humanity itself?


      In this process I have fallen hard, spilled open, closed myself off, fallen hard, spilled open and closed myself off again. Wash, rinse, repeat. Over and over and over.


      It goes like this: I meet someone attractive and seemingly lovely. We have a fantastic first date. They contact me right away for a second one. I do things right. I don't call them, I wait patiently to hear from them, I look pretty, I talk nicely, I am myself, I open up, I don't act like a psycho or a bitch. But without fail, after 2 dates or 2 months, they find something they don't like and go away. Sometimes they say goodbye in a text message, sometimes a phone call. One time a guy came back crying, asking to be with me again, only to break it off again a month later. Sometimes they want to remain my friend and have. Other times I hear from them months and months later online or through text asking me for a purely sexual relationship. And other times they say goodbye and are gone without a trace, like a ghost I only dreamed of.


       I'm lost in this whirlwind. I deeply connect with each of them, I show myself, I'm always honest. I'm too pure and too kind for this game. I'm sad, I'm lost.  The highs and lows of this world are laughable at best and disturbing at worst. I'm finally to the point of slowing my dating life down that it's almost non existent, and for once, that is totally and completely okay.  I throw myself on the alter of surrender. I let go.

       One of my favorite quotes about love seems appropriate at this point:

“Why do you suppose the poets talk about hearts?' he asked me suddenly. 'When they discuss emotional damage? The tissue of hearts is tough as a shoe. Did you ever sew up a heart?'

I shook my head. 'No, but I've watched. I know what you mean.' The walls of a heart are thick and strong, and the surgeons use heavy needles. It takes a good bit of strength, but it pulls together neatly. As much as anything it's like binding a book.

The seat of human emotion should be the liver,' Doc Homer said. 'That would be an appropriate metaphor: we don't hold love in our hearts, we hold it in our livers.'

I understood exactly. Once in ER I saw a woman who'd been stabbed everywhere, most severely in the liver. It's an organ with the consistency of layer upon layer of wet Kleenex. Every attempt at repair just opens new holes that tear and bleed. You try to close the wound with fresh wounds, and you try and you try and you don't give up until there's nothing left.”

― Barbara Kingsolver

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are!

                                  
I fancy myself somewhat of a human rights activist... I don't picket or have clever bumper stickers or wear shirts saying "This is what a feminist looks like," but I sometimes try, on an interpersonal level, to help people open their minds on varying issues.  I also can't help but try to support people that seem to be suffering, even if it's from afar with a bright shining screen between us. 

This is why I engaged myself not once, but twice, with a guy I believe to be very deeply in the closet and struggling with some self loathing.  I feel super duper sad for him but also somewhat disturbed by the presentation of his feelings.  We had this first conversation many moons ago... And he must have forgotten about it, as months and months later, with a different username but with the same photo and same first name, he wrote me again.  I pretended like I didn't remember him because I was hoping to get farther in second conversation than I did in the first one.   

Conversation with John, Take One...

Him: Hi, I am John - how are you?

Me: hi john
i'm doing well, how are you?

Him: good
do you think opposites attract?

Me: possibly!
why do you ask?

Him: i think opposites can attract but need similar values. Do you believe in total honesty?

Me: yes

Him: If a boyfriend loved you and would never cheat, but had bicurious thoughts sometimes, would you want him to admit?

Me: sure
why do you ask?

Him: it is embarrassing for a man to admit

Me: i'm insanely open minded
and i'm obsessed with gay rights and really into queer culture
so you don't have to be embarrassed talking to me about any of this!

Him: i think gay and bi is wrong

Me: why

Him: not nature's design

Me: omg
okay i totally disagree
it can't be wrong if it exists
no one would choose it if they were given the choice
okay so i guess you don't want to talk about this anymore?
ha
well i wish you good luck on whatever it is you are dealing with, if you ever want to talk i'm here


Conversation with John, Take Two...

Him: Hi - I am John - how are you?

Me: I'm good how are you?

Him: I am housesitting and found something funny

Me: What?

Him: A playgirl magazine with pictures of a muscular man. Lol

Me: Lol nice

Him: Embarrassing for me lol

Me: Why?

Him: I am a little curious to see lol

Me: That's okay
no biggie

Him: Really? If a bf or husband admitted, you would understand?
i only like women :)

Understand embarrassing for a man to admit?

Me: I believe there is a scale of sexuality and it's rare to be fully anything, so of course I believe a man could be curious! I think we all or to varying degrees

Him: I think bi and gay is wrong.

Me: Why?

Him: Unnatural

Me: I'm just going to take a risk and say all of this knowing that you probably won't respond but I'm okay with that...
So you've written me before, saying the same kind of bi-curious statement. I don't remember exactly what it was but I can find it if you are curious. The conversation was exactly the same-- you hinted at being attracted to men and then when I said that its fine you started saying how you believe being gay or bi is wrong.
First of all, I find that offensive, but of course you are entitled to your opinions. I don't believe that any feelings are wrong or unnatural because if little kids have them, well to me that's natural. They don't create them or make themselves have them. That's the definition of natural if you ask me. Little kids don't know what's what, they just feel things.
Second of all, you are so clearly struggling with your own sexual identity it's painfully obvious to me. You write to strangers testing the waters to see if its safe to talk about your curiosity and then you go straight back into the closet saying you believe it's wrong. You shame yourself and put down my beliefs and friends, saying you believe homosexuality is unnatural. It scares me when I see that because I wonder if in the world you are some homophobic guy bashing gays but having these feelings yourself.
The last thing I want to say is, just like you take all these risks online telling strangers that you are embarrassed and curious and want to look at naked men etc... I know easier said than done, but take some risks in real life and also inside yourself. Nothing that's a part of humans since being a kid (and animals btw, do some research before you call something unnatural) cannot be unnatural! You live in [city I live in with a big gay population]! Gay people are the norm! I'm guessing there's shame or prejudice in your background or family, which of course makes this all harder....
Whatever the case may be, if you ever grow some balls and decide to explore this side of yourself let me know. I would support you emotionally or go with you to gay clubs or whatever you want. There are lots of people to support you.
Or maybe you are just curious and it means nothing... Who knows.... Whatever it is I encourage you to get honest with yourself and please stop writing women on dating sites about this, it's really not the place no act these things out.
I support you!!

Looking For A Girl Who's Not a Complete Faggot

Some days I forget that the sad state of affairs that exists on some of these online dating sites is super duper sad... But then I randomly see a mirror of what romance used to look like, just over 80 years ago, and I realize that there is some very sick and twisted shit occurring on the World Wild Web, which I guess means in the world at large as well.

Case in point-- I saw this beautiful heart-fluttering quote written by Henry Miller to Anais Nin, and then I saw this profile on Plenty of Fish, one after the other, in the same day.  

August 6, 1932:

       Don't expect me to be sane anymore.  Don't let's be sensible.  It was a marriage at Louveciennes - you can't dispute it.  I came away with pieces of you sticking to me; I am walking about, swimming, in an ocean of blood, your Andalusian blood, distilled and poisonous. Everything I do and say and think relates back to the marriage.  I saw you as the mistress of your home, a Moor with a heavy face, a negress with a white body, eyes all over your skin, woman, woman, woman. I can't see how I can go on living away from you....  You became a woman with me.  I was almost terrified by it.  You are not just thirty years old - you are a thousand years old....
      Anais, I only thought I loved you before; it was nothing like this certainty that's in me now. Was all this so wonderful only because it was brief and stolen?  Were we acting for each other, to each other?  Was I less I, or more I, and you less or more you?  Is it madness to believe that this could go on?  When and where would the drab moments begin?

Henry Miller, A Literate Passion

And then...

POF, A Random Profile, March 3, 2013

UPDATE: NO FAT CHICKS! Seriously, steer clear of my inbox if you're fat.

And Jesus Christ. ever since i posted the update, all i get a is a barrage of messages from fat chicks commenting on my update. THAT COMPLETELY DEFEATS THE PURPOSE!!!!! I feel like I need to physically build a door frame in front of my inbox so fat messages can't fit through. Like a semi-permeable cell wall. Sorry fat molecules: fat peg, height/weight-proportionate hole. Welcome, petite-ies!

also another update, looking for a girl who's not a complete faggot.

that said,

I like writing music, I like holing up in my room and practicing it for days, i like youtube, like the gym and yoga, love women of all shapes (UPDATE: EXCEPT FAT SHAPES) and all their subtleties, enjoy eating healthy. PARTYYYYYY!!!! Work hard play hard.

-no bleached vaginas 
-no Kegel Breath
-no facebook attentions whores
-no regular whores

-talk to you soon

I'm not saying Anais and Henry had the most healthy relationship, but there is a distinct difference in these two pieces of beautiful literature and their notions of romance, right?

The Quest for Perfection

 

  Gina (one of my best friends) and I often theorize about online dating.  She is currently engaged to someone wonderful that she didn't meet online, but she did her fair share of online dating for the little over a year she was single in-between relationships.  She also has a brother who frequently online dates, so she has learned a lot about the male perspective from him.

     Both Gina and I have had similar experiences: We were dating someone online for a few months, things seemed to be progressing normally, and then we were broken up with suddenly.  We had the same reactions of shock and confusion, and we've had many conversations trying to figure out the mystery.  We've both had long term relationships with people we've met online and offline, and this phenomena seems to be somewhat recent, since online dating has blown up.  The guys that have broken it off with me suddenly had various things to say, when I asked them why.

Here is the list of things I was told that I am or am not enough of:

- I'm not spiritual enough
- I'm too aggressive (both in the world and in bed)
- I have too many opinions
- Something is just "off"
- I talk too much during movies
- I'm too "sensitive"
- We are just too much alike
- We are just too different.

     While I completely respect everyone's right to have an incredible romantic relationship, and to be super picky because we all deserve someone fantabulous, some of these things totally baffle me.  I'd say they baffle me moreso because many of them have come back later and tried to date me again, telling me how amazing I am and pretty much taking back this feedback.

     This weekend I had first dates with two different guys that are very good looking.  BOTH of them said something like this to me:

"The thing about online dating, is that if you are seeing someone, and there is one thing wrong that you don't like, it's really easy to break it off with them because there are so many other women online.  These sites are like a schmorgesborg, with so many options.  And every day new people are joining them."

     Okay so, this is pretty much what Gina and I had already concluded when we theorized and talked about it.  Not so difficult to figure out or understand, but I'm grateful that I got some validation on the validity of this theory over the weekend.

     So what now?  This phenomena opens up questions for me, similar to those that I have about Facebook and other social media:  Has the internet brought us closer together, or is it pushing us farther apart?  With all the access we have to connection, we've also become somewhat numbed and super selective.  I can even feel similar things happening inside of me, as I've been bitten by the excitement bug of variety and selectivity.  With so many people writing me each day, why should I settle for less than the best?  But I ask these hotties online, myself included, how long can we go on this way, with short fleeting connections leading to nowhere?  Sure, the experiences can be mind blowing and incredible, but what about depth?  What about intimacy?  The true beauty of human connection, in my opinion, comes from loving the flaws, licking the wounds, sitting with the things that aren't so pretty as well as those that are stunning.  The addiction to newness leaves little room for growth and closeness... And so the search for the "perfect partner" continues...  But will they ever be found?






   

3Rock

I'm in a grumpy mood tonight.  Just feeling really over the guys that are only seeking one thing from women, without any respect or care and with so little effort and charm. Sometimes I just gotta speak my mind to these douche bags.  And PS, who doesn't know what 30 Rock is??!!

HIM:
what are you up to?

ME:
just watching 30rock, you?

HIM:
bored, where in [my city] are you?

ME:
[My neighborhood], you?

HIM:
im in [insanely close to me]...can i come watch 3 rock or whatever its called w you?

ME:
lol... no i don't meet up with people i don't know in my home late at night! but i live very very close to you.

HIM:
well but you definitely sound like one who follows a protocol. You live that close, we might even run into each other. You ll recognize me (saying bcse it's now happened twice) but if we are alreadt starting on the wrong foot -- you are not adventurous etc. --- it's just going to be a coincidence that we are neighbors.  so good luck here.

ME:
Yeah. No offense but your term "adventurous" is really offensive to me. As a woman dating online I have to be safe. I would never let a stranger into my home that I didn't meet out in the world first. I'm not a slut and I'm not looking for something dangerous. Any woman that does that is not looking out for herself. Women get killed for doing stupid shit like that. So when you say I'm not adverturous or I'm one that follows protocol, that's a load of crap. I respect myself and I don't just have strangers over to my apartment to fuck them. Have fun with the whores on here.

HIM:
I am..

Heat

The Christmas season really brings out the best in people.  I feel filled with holiday cheer and warmth when I receive messages like this, especially when they remember to wish me a Merry Christmas.  Sooooo sweet!

Hey Merry Christmas. I like your pics. you look pretty innocent. but you like to f*** in heat. by the way check me out you get a chance check me out Jonathan

I checked his profile out.  He's a 45 year old, very thin, gray-haired Harley-driving truck driver with a handlebar mustache and an RV.  He has a daughter and interests include talking and listening to what's on your mind.  While he seems like an intriguing man of great contradictions, I opted out of responding to him.  I don't think his RV is big enough for him, his daughter and I, because I tend to make a loud screeching noise when I'm in heat and getting f***ed. 

Straight to the Point

I came across the most classy profile today.  Kudos to this bloke for asking for what he wants.  I admire that in a person.

Hi, I'm Jack. I'm a single man that's interested in typical guy stuff. I love NFL football, barbecuing, hitting the gym and being lazy. Not necessarily in that order.

I'm looking for an honest, sweet, caring, loving and submissive woman.
She must know how to cook and love to give head.

If that offends you then please move along. Angry email not necessary.