Heat

The Christmas season really brings out the best in people.  I feel filled with holiday cheer and warmth when I receive messages like this, especially when they remember to wish me a Merry Christmas.  Sooooo sweet!

Hey Merry Christmas. I like your pics. you look pretty innocent. but you like to f*** in heat. by the way check me out you get a chance check me out Jonathan

I checked his profile out.  He's a 45 year old, very thin, gray-haired Harley-driving truck driver with a handlebar mustache and an RV.  He has a daughter and interests include talking and listening to what's on your mind.  While he seems like an intriguing man of great contradictions, I opted out of responding to him.  I don't think his RV is big enough for him, his daughter and I, because I tend to make a loud screeching noise when I'm in heat and getting f***ed. 

Straight to the Point

I came across the most classy profile today.  Kudos to this bloke for asking for what he wants.  I admire that in a person.

Hi, I'm Jack. I'm a single man that's interested in typical guy stuff. I love NFL football, barbecuing, hitting the gym and being lazy. Not necessarily in that order.

I'm looking for an honest, sweet, caring, loving and submissive woman.
She must know how to cook and love to give head.

If that offends you then please move along. Angry email not necessary.

I'm Not Immune to Fraud

I have to admit, I am not immune to the occasional fraud sneaking his way into my heart.  Here's a real winner of a tale.  It's not int he least bit funny.

I was on OKCupid one night and noticed that a very handsome guy looked at my profile.  He had two professional photos, one with a wedding ring on, with a caption that read, "Don't worry, I'm not married.  I posed for an ad for my friend."  I decided to say hello to him on chat.  He was incredibly friendly, we talked about ourselves, and he asked me to text him.  We began texting back and forth and learning about each other.

I quickly learned that he's Italian, has 7 sisters, works in the computer field, has gone to hackers conventions, is into geeky things, and finds me to be very pretty.  He's friendly, smart and interesting to talk to.  He's never done online dating before, and I would be the first person he would meet from online.  He doesn't have a Facebook because he's "never been into it," and he knows people find that very strange.  He knows I'm dating a few people and wants to "win me over" from them.  I show him my blog and he wants to "take me out on a bad date."  He wants to make his way into my blog, and says I can even post his pictures in here.

A few days into our correspondence, I ask him when he wants to meet up.  He says, "Oh, I didn't tell you I'm going to New York for business?  I'll be back in 2 and a half weeks."  We continue corresponding daily, and he is immediately very into me, telling me how pretty I am, how smart and funny I am, that he wants to make out with me, that I'm so pretty that if he met me he would be so nervous he'd probably "spill water all over himself or something."  I've been lonely lately and he was beginning to charm me.  Initially I resisted, saying that he doesn't know me, that attraction can only be known from meeting in person, that we may not like each other if we actually meet.  But he kept insisting that he feels like he already knows me, that I'm so pretty, that he knows he likes me.

He even went so far as to tell me that he has 23 nieces and nephews, and that if we get together I have to be prepared to write lots of holiday cards.

For a few days I bought into it, living in the fantasy world he was spinning, smoking from the same crack pipe as him.  I was feeling anxious about the situation, not knowing if I was attracted to him or not, yet allowing him to talk so romantically to me anyway, so I kept asking him to send me more pictures.  He told me he only has pictures on his computer at home, that he travels with a less expensive computer, and that his phone isn't letting him send photos.  He also didn't want to Skpe with me.  "Just meet me first, then we can Skype after."

I awoke one morning feeling like I came out of a dream.  I sent him a message which read, "I find it retarded that you won't send me pictures of you.  Even if you phone isn't sending photos, you can take a photo and email it.  You're an IT guy, you can figure it out."  He asked if I was mad at him and I told him I didn't want to text anymore, to just call me when he can.  I talked to a few of my friends about him and they all had the feeling that he was lying about who he said he was.  He wouldn't send me pictures, he magically was in NY when I asked to see him, he was wearing a wedding ring in a photo, he didn't have a Facebook account.  Things did not add up.

We spoke on the phone late that night.  He told me that he can be selfish, and he feels uncomfortable sending me more photos.  I went through everything I had been talking to my friends about that day-- that for women, online dating can be vulnerable, and these things aren't matching up, and I'm concerned he's not who he says he is.  I ask him point blank if he's the guy in the photos and he responds that he is.  He apologizes, says he's never done online dating before, says he's going to send me a picture the next day and that he feels really embarrassed.  We talk about meeting when he returns from his trip, and he suggests I bring a friend to meet him to "make me feel more comfortable."  After we get off the phone, he sends me text massages in Italian, saying he's sorry, he feels so stupid and is embarrassed to talk to me. 

A few days go by and I hear nothing from him.  No picture.  No text messages or phone calls.  I message him asking how he is and I hear nothing.

Today I sent him a message asking him to communicate with me and I hear nothing back.  So I decide to take matters into my own hands.

I find out that you can search an image by dragging it into Google Images.  I did this and found.....

That the images he sent me are of a married opera singer from across the country.  And not only has he used this guy's image, but many many other people have as well.  I'm starting to think this is like some image that computer hackers or geeky dudes use to pretend like they are a hot hunky dude.

I search his email addresses, and find him writing about computer stuff 6 years ago, so I'm guessing he didn't lie about that part.  A very irrational side of me emerged and I called and emailed him a few times, letting him know that I was onto him, sending him links to prove that I can see what's up.  He closed down his email account and didn't answer his phone.

So now I'm left with not knowing who this person is at all, concerned that some psycho is going to knock down my door.  But the most logical explanation is that he's just some lonely nerdy dude who wanted to try to get me to like him by getting to know him first, meeting him, and seeing how far he could go.  Or he never intended on meeting me and just wanted to write me.  Whatever the case may be, the internet is a wild and scary place at times, for psychos to roam free and pray on the innocent.  Be careful out there people, learn from my stories.... Now I'm wishing I would have been more careful.

And last but not least, his desire has been fulfilled... Here are his "pictures," posted in my blog.

Thankfully I was spared from his "bad date".... I can only imagine what that would have been like and shudder.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo

My friend dated an Oompa Loompa for about a decade.  And not just any Oompa Loompa, but a really fat and scary looking one.  I remember the first time I saw him at a party.  I didn't know it was her boyfriend, and I literally felt fear when I saw this person. I thought to myself, "Oh my god, this guy looks like how I picture a mass school shooter to look.  How did he get invited to this house party?  I hope he's not packing heat and gonna shoot us all up."  Yes, I am aware of how horribly judgmental this sounds but there was just something REALLY creepy about him.

Then I find out that they've broken up and gotten back together a few times because he cheated on her multiple times.  She's an attractive woman and he's, well, see the above paragraph to understand how hunky of a motha-fucka he is.  Apparently she loved him for his humor and charming personality.  I will admit that when I talked to him the few times I met him he was pretty charming, but not enough to make up for his little round figure and the fact that he's a gross cheater.  Thankfully, they broke up for good a few months ago and she is already dating other people and feeling much better.

I got a new message on one of the dating sites I'm on.  And low and behold, it's from this sexy hottie.  He's also got a way with words:

Quite a resume you got going on there...
I read it..
I could never say the right thing here sooo..ill try my best..
Im very intelligent , i workout daily and i am EXTREMELY PASSIONATE.
I think you would find me very refreshing among man I spk 3 Languages I've traveled I want to travel more Hope to hear from you..
Cheers

I was shocked to get this message, and the most shocking part was not that he didn't recognize me, but that he WORKS OUT DAILY!  In any case, I'm actually super nice, despite that I'm going straight to hell for how bitchy I'm being in this blog entry, and I didn't want to embarrass him.  So I wrote back:

Thanks for the nice message! It's Tina, Julie's friend, do you not recognize me?          

He responds:

O my god
2nd time
this is terrible

I felt bad about how bad he probably felt, so I responded:

Oh it's okay, don't worry about it!

Then hottie loverboy writes back:

U look great ..
I always thought so...
How u been ..?          

I never responded.  Poor guy.  Despite the fact that he speaks 3 languages, he never learned the very logical street slang term "Chicks Before Dicks."    

Make Me Wear the Purple Panties

I'm up late at night scrolling through profiles on Jdate a few months back.  A guy from another state, across the country, begins to IM me.  He looks really handsome and has a great profile so I decide to answer his instant message.

"Hey, how's it going?" He asks.

"Doing well, how are you?  You're up really late!"

"Yeah, I like to stay up late.  So, can I tell you a fantasy?"

Wow, this guy just gets right into it.  Just like OKCupid after dark, there is also a Jdate after dark.  A guy I wrote to a few times said that after midnight the "Jdate zombies" come out, or something like that.  I sometimes have trouble sleeping and I tend to chat online when this is the case.  I'm guessing this is some of why I've encountered many of the freaks I've written about in this blog-- because they are up late at night, looking to act out their fantasies.

"Sure, why not.  I've got nothing better to do."

"Well, I have this fantasy of marrying a Jewish woman.  She'll be really sweet to me and we'll have a loving relationship."

"Hrm, that doesn't sound like a fantasy to me.  That just sounds like an essay on what you are looking for from this site."

"I'm not done," he said.  "She'll be really sweet to me when we are out in the world.  But when we come home, if I'm bad, she'll punish me."

"Punish you?  I'm not quite sure what you mean."

"Are you a princess at all?  Do you like to tell guys what to do?"

I thought back on my history.  I've always been really loving in my romantic relationships, and I never viewed myself as much of a princess.  Suddenly I was flooded with flashbacks of being 10 years old.  I used to love to boss around my little cousins, and be the princess with my parents.  Wow, it's like this guy was hypnotizing me and I was in a therapy session, getting in touch with a side of myself I had completely repressed.

"Um, I don't know.  I'm not a princess in my relationships, but I guess sometimes I do like being a princess."  I was really conflicted on how to answer this question, because I don't think most guys want to date a JAP (Jewish American Princess), so I opted for a safe answer.

"You don't like bossing guys around at all?  Let me tell you more about my fantasy.  I want to marry a Jewish woman who treats me really well, but when we come home, she's totally different.  If I'm really bad, she'll put me in a cage."

"Woah.  This is interesting.  Tell me more."

"Oh, are you interested?  Is this something you think you'd want to do?"

"I'm not sure.  I think I'm too 'nice' for this.  But I'm curious about what you like.  Tell me more."

This is one of those situations where I felt I'd catch more flies with honey than vinegar.  I'd always heard about S & M relationships, and I've never read 50 Shades of Gray, so I wanted to learn about this from the horses mouth.

"Okay.  So also, if I'm really bad, I want her to make me wear my special panties.  What's your favorite color?  What color do you want the panties to be?"

"Um, purple?"

"So if I'm really bad, do you think you could make me wear the purple panties?  And invite all your friends over?  I want you to make me wear the purple panties, invite your friends over, and force me to serve you and your friends drinks.  I've been really really bad."

"Wow, I don't think I could make you do that."

"You don't want to do it at all?  What if I was really really really bad?  Would you make me sleep on the floor at night?"

"No.  That's really mean and would hurt your back."

"This is part of my fantasy.  Just play along.  You're a princess, tell me what to do.  I've been really really really bad!  Tell me what to do!  Make me wear the panties!"

"Honestly, I'm pretty nice, I don't think I can play along with this.  I'm not into humiliation."

"I'm super horny thinking about it.  Just play along.  I think you have it in you!"

I couldn't do it.  I really couldn't.  Instead I started asking him questions.

"Have you ever acted this out in real life?"

"No, I really want to, but I'm shy."

"So you write to women across the country and act it out in that way?"  I asked him, feeling very curious.

"Yes, I don't think a woman I'm dating would accept me for this, so I write to women in other states and talk about it with them."

"What kinds of reactions do they have?"

"Usually they are very curious, like you are.  So.  I've been really bad.  I know you can do it.  Put me in the panties.  Put me in a cage.  Let me rub your feet and do all the dishes."

"Wait, you'd do my dishes and rub my feet?"

"Yes, ma'dam.  Whatever you want, princess."

OMG!  I *AM* a princess!!!  It's my secret dream to do nothing all day, have someone do everything for me and then have them rub my feet and shoulders because I'm so exhausted from doing nothing.  This exchange really was tapping into some strange parts of my psyche.

"Okay, so I don't think I like to humiliate anyone, but I do want to be pampered."

"Yes princess, let me rub your feet.  You're making me really horny."

"Wow, it's getting late, I have to go to sleep now."  I just wanted a foot rub, I didn't want to make him horny and have him jack off to the thought of rubbing my little tootsies.  Plus it really was late and I had to work the next day.

"Whatever you say, princess.  Nice talking to you."

"Nice talking to you too.  I want to encourage you to act out these fantasies in real life.  There are plenty of people out there who want what you want.  I promise you."

"Okay, I'm really scared. :(  But maybe I'll try."

"I'm the princess here.  I'm the one in charge.  I ORDER YOU to explore this in real life."

"Okay princess, whatever you say."

This conversation was quite eye opening.  I got back in touch with my princess-self that I abandoned at age 10.  Since then I've gone to about 8 S & M clubs and I'm now a well known Dom in my city.  Just kidding.  But I have been experimenting with my more dominant sides both in the bedroom and with my friends.  In the bedroom, the guys seem somewhat into it and somewhat freaked out.  My friends have just been calling me a bitch, so it's not really working out so well.

The Gentlemanly Adult

OKCupid has the option of adding someone as your "favorite," and it used to have the option of letting them know you've "chosen" them.  As a woman using online dating to find potential partners, one thing I often do is "favorite" someone to let them know I like them, but I don't make the first move to write them because it feels like I'm stepping out of line with my gender role.  I figure, if they are interested they will write me when they see I've "favorited" them.

There was an attractive guy I added as a favorite many months ago but didn't write him a message.  He wrote me a charming little message directly after, and we had a delightful conversation that can only be described as the stereotypical rom-com "meet-cute."

Him:  Why bother adding me as a favorite if you aren't going to email me?

Me:  Haha you are straightforward! How's it going? I'm watching the Super Bowl with my family but paying zero attention.

Him:  That still doesn't answer my question.

Me:  I added you as a favorite when I first joined. I looked at a lot of people, favorited some, let them know, and figured if a guy was interested they would be gentlemanly and write me first.

Him:  Has nothing to do with being a gentleman. If you are going to act like an adult, then you'd contact the person if you are going to add them as a favorite.

Me:  I don't think that has anything to do with being an adult, at least not for me. It has more to do with gender roles in my opinion. But thanks for yours.

No response.  Months later, this Prince Charming forgot about our first interaction and engaged me in another one.

Him:  Where do you live?

Me: (Place that I live, which will never be publicly revealed)

Him:  I have a friend who lives right by there.  How are you doing?

Me:  I'm doing well, how are you?

Him:  Not too bad.  Although from reading your "multiple choice questions" I'm not sure how well we'd get along :(

Me:  Oh yeah?

Him: Yeah, a couple of things we wouldn't click on

Me:  That's normal in life.  Like what in particular?

Him:  Yes, but they are ones that aren't negotiable.  They are deal breakers.
Well 1) you don't drink at all and 2) you wait 6 dates or more to have sex

Me:  Ah.  Right.  So you are looking to get drunk and get laid on this site?

Him:  Nope.  I can get laid anywhere, that's not the issue.  And having a drink doesn't mean getting drunk.

Me:  Very true.  What is your answer to the number of dates sex question?

Him: 1-2

Me:  Wow.  Do you you mind me asking why?

Him:  Because both people know right away whether or not they want each other sexually.  It is stupid in my option to wait and then find out that you don't click sexually.  The longer someone waits, the less interested I am.

Me:  Fair enough.

Him:  I hope you find someone that is at your level.

Me:  Thank you.  Same to you.

Sigh.  The glass slipper didn't fit this time.  I really thought he may have been "the one."  I cried myself to sleep for the next 6 nights.

Woah, She Said the Same Thing You Said!

Admittedly I was never interested in joining the dating site Plenty of Fish (POF).  The name really grossed me out because it sounds so causal... Like "there are plenty of fish in the sea... to get with."  One night out of sheer boredom I joined to see what it was all about.

I put up on very unclear picture of my face because I wanted to remain as anonymous as possible on that site.  Within hours my mailbox was flooded with messages from all kinds of guys.  I decided the next day to meet one of them who seemed really eager to meet me.  He was very tall, a profesional, of a good age and seemed friendly enough.  We agreed to meet at a bar on the roof of a fancy hotel.

He was good looking, talkative, presented as interested in getting to know me and we had a lot in common.  But something felt off.  I didn't feel entirely attracted to him.  He seemed distracted, he kept looking around as though he had ADHD and it was really turning me off.

After about an hour of talking, he mentioned it was getting late and asked if I needed to go home.  I told him I could stay a little bit longer as I was enjoying our conversation.  He got a blanket from our waitress (this trendy and hip rooftop bar comes equipt with blankets for cuddling dates) and we cuddled a little bit.

Literally 3 minutes after we began cuddling, a woman came up to us.  Her hands were placed on her hips and she looked angry, but I couldn't tell if she was joking or not.  My first thought was that she was one of his friends and he didn't say hello to her when he walked in.  Boy was I wrong!

"What the FUCK are you doing here?  (Looks at me)  Did you know he has a girlfriend?  Did you know *I* am his girlfriend?

Calmly I said, "Um, I just met him tonight."

She looks back at him and says, "Get your shit out of my fucking house.  YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

And she stormed off.

I sat in silence for a full minute.  I finally said, "Um, what was that?"

"We're on the rocks."  He said.

I then got about 5 different stories clumsily muddled together.  He started with telling me they were on a break.  I asked if they were living together (ala "get your shit out of my fucking house") and he said no.  Then he mentioned he was living with her but he was taking a break and staying with his parents while they were fighting.  Next thing I know, he tells me he's been really nice to her lately so she probably thinks they are still together.

I ask him how she found us here. "She's psycho!  I had a feeling she'd come here."  I concluded that his level of distraction must have been because he was wondering if she'd show up by following the bread crumbs he left for her.  I have about 5 theories on how she found us but I'm too lazy to type them all out right now. 

She began texting him and I tell him it's fine to respond while I'm there.  She was asking him to come over to talk that night and he asked me if he should do it.  I made a joke about mediating for the two of them, and he exclaimed, "Great idea!  Why not?"  I couldn't believe this dude!  What crack was he smoking?

I talked to him for about 20 minutes and I learned a lot about their relationship. It was pretty sad actually.  He said that she had horrible insomnia and would wake up all grumpy, yell at him, and look in the mirror and cry about how old she was getting.  He eventually told me he was staying with her "kinda of" while he was "seeing what else was out there" because she did have SOME good qualities and he wasn't sure if he should totally break it off with her just yet.  I told him it's a really good idea to break up with someone BEFORE you start dating other people.  "It's not like I was sleeping with any of the people I've met while we've been together!"  Saving grace, my friend.  Real smart.

He walked me to my car.  He gave me a hug goodbye.  He then got another text from his non-girlfriend/girlfriend. 

"Woah, she said the same thing you said!  That I should have broken up with her before dating other people!"

You think Einstein?

Since then he's written me a few times to tell me he's done with her for good.  I caved in and we're now in a loving and monogamous relationship based on honesty, trust and communication. 

SIKE!  I'm never responding to this guy.  Ever. 

We Luv Your Lips

I sign onto OkCupid one morning and was highly pleased to see that I received my first ever threesome offer!!  I felt so honored!  This super attractive (reality check: frumpy and dumpy) firey Latino couple wanted to lovingly get it on porno-style with me because I am so special and beautiful.  

Gd morning gorgeous. I must say that we luv your lips, and you have an amazing smile. 

I hope you had a good start to your extended wkend. 

BTW are you curious and do you like Latinos? Its our lifestyle gorgeous. 

Juan and Maria

I wondered what to do next.  Respond and eagerly await to hear back?  I was too nervous, they seemed so experienced and suave, I feared I would not meet their high expectations in the bedroom.  I opted to brag to my friend Linda rather than respond.

"Look at the message I received this morning!  I'm so cool!"

"Show me their profile," Linda said.  She's also on OkCupid and could easily look them up.

"Okay, their screen name is LatinaLovin69."

Now on OkCupid, if you don't fix your settings to be anonymous, whoever you view can see that you viewed them.  Within minutes Linda got a response from them too.

"Oh my, they saw I viewed their profile, and they sent me the SAME message!"

"Really?  They luv YOUR lips too?  I felt really special, I thought I had special lips," I whined.

"Yup, the exact same message."

"Aw, guess I'm not special. :-\ "

"You are always special to me Tina."

"Aw, and I have a beautiful mouth to you?"

"LOL, totally," said Linda.

"Yay!  I feel all special again!"

• • 
    

I decided to not write them back.  I realized that Juan and Maria are what a professional sexologist might call "players" and I decided that I really didn't want to get the clap.

The Best Online Dating Advice

Okay so it's not the BEST advice, but it's really good advice in terms of posting pictures of yourself.  I read this in a profile on OkCupid:

I don't get why people post exceptionally flattering photos of themselves. The purpose is to meet (I think?) so we're going to find out sooner or later. Better strategy is to go horrible photo--we meet up and it's Good Surprise! Yay! Bad Surprise? Boo!

Buff Dudes on POF are Like Monkeys

Note to self.... Do not EVER write super smoking hot guys on Plenty of Fish that have their tops off revealing ripped tan abs little messages that say things like, "Hunky!"  And then after they respond stroking my ego telling me I'm super sexy, do not EVER give out my phone number. 

THIS IS A SURE WAY TO GET PICTURES OF HUGE PENII WITH TONS OF MANSCAPING. 

It's happened more than once, people.  And it's terrifying.  And I keep forgetting not to do it.

Big buff dudes on POF are like monkeys.  If you interact with them they get an erection and take a picture of it and send it to you via iPhone.  It's a known fact that monkeys do this, they've been doing it for centuries. 

If I Don't Have Male Children, There's Going to Be Some Disappointment.

Here's an in person story for you.  I've been online dating for over 10 years, not because I'm ugly or weird but because I'm shy when it comes to dating.  The stories are fascinating and endless, but I'll start with this one for tonight.

I began writing to Tom on OkCupid.  He looked cute in his pictures but I had a sneaking suspicion that he didn’t look like them… So upon chatting online I asked him to text me another picture of himself.  Yikes, he didn’t look the same at all.  Not attractive!  But I met up with him anyway.   

We met at a very fancy restaurant.  I wasn’t attracted to him and I knew it right away.  We talked and he kept referring to himself as “an eternal bachelor.”  He told me how he only has condiments in his fridge and a bottle of milk, that he doesn't know how to cook and buys all his meals out.  "I don't exercise anymore and I've gained 15 pounds recently.  I make a lot of money at my job but I spend it all on food."  Super hot, dude!  You're really turning me on!  

Next came the gender role reversal, it was really hot, kind of like that fantasy I've always had about getting with a tranny. “I wanted to have kids before my grandfather passed away, but THAT didn’t happen.”  He went on to tell me that male sperm begins to decline after the age of 30, and that he’s 32 and is becoming increasingly concerned about his own sperm.  

"There's going to be some disappointment if I don't have male children," he said over dinner.

"Who's going to be disappointed?  Your dad?"

"Me," he exclaimed.  "The bloodline is passed down through males, and I will be very disappointed if I don't have male children to pass down my bloodline."

"Don't women have bloodlines as well?"  I asked.

"It's not the same thing.  The bloodline is passed down through the males."

Lord, he killed the boner I didn't have for him.  I wanted to go home, I felt terrible not being attracted to him.  It made me dizzy and sad to be on a such a nice date with someone I felt nothing for.  He walked me to my car, told me he didn’t want to let me leave.  Asked me what I was doing over the weekend and the next night.  I told him I wasn't sure and to text me.  

That night I came home and went on OKCupid.  I realize it's pretty rude to log on right after a fancy date with someone, but jeez these sites can be addicting.  Apparently he's addicted as well because he was on at the same time.  He sent me an instant message saying, “So, what’s the prognosis?”  I promptly signed off and vowed to deal with it the next day.   

The next day I sent him a text: 

Thank you for the lovely dinner.  I had a great time meeting you and I think you are a great person, but I don’t feel a romantic connection.

  I never heard back.

 I hope he finds someone to have boys with and pass that stellar bloodline down, I really do.

Would You Even Be Able to Handle That?

12:36am a few months ago.  I'm up late chatting on OKCupid.  I like to call this OKCupid After Dark, because sometimes normal conversations turn insane.  I'd have to say that this one takes the cake in the insanity department.  It will be an abridged version because this conversation was very long and the last part is the most interesting.

Him: hi there

        how is your week going?

Me: good

      how are you?

Him:  fantastic thanks for asking

         You sound very holistic

         I like

Me: nice

         yeah i am

Him:  are you an herbalist?

Me:  no haha

       but i do like herbs

Him: herbs can be fun

(We talk about herbs, life, insomnia, death, etc, for another 20 minutes.)

Him: I'm fascinated that I'm sitting here typing to you in this little electronic box, while living on this gigantic sphere that is FLYING through space and rotatiing in circles at amazing speeds

Me:  yeah

       it is fascinating

       and scary

       and exciting

Him:  yup

Me:  what do you do for work?

Him:  i'm a personal trainer

Me: nice

      i need a personal trainer!

Him: we could arrange a "fun" training session

         free of charge

Me:  ha

       what would that consist of?

Him:  whenever you did repetitions of squats, lunges, etc

         youd have to go down until your butt landed on my mouth

         and then back up

Me:  woah

        ha

Him:  for full range of motion

         but youd have to do it slow and controlled

Me:  don't quite understand but sounds funny

(Then we talk about exercising and hiking for another 10 minutes)

Me:  anyway i have to try to go to sleep

Him: aww ok

        are you gutsy at all?

Me:  how so?

Him:  ok be honest, would you have the guts to make a guy do whatever you said if he paid you a lot and no one knew?

Me: woah

      explain more

Him: ooh

       is it tempting at all?

       ok, would you make a guy stop and go?

Me:  i'm curious but i don't think i would do it

       i just am curious as to what you mean

Him:  like...you jerk a guy off very intensely, when he says hes gonna cum you stop. Then in a few seconds you start up again, when he says hes gonna cum you stop again, over and over making him take it?

Me:  and why is there payment involved in that process?

Him:  just as incentive really lol

        would you even be able to handle that

Me:  that doesn't sound like very risque behavior

       that just sounds like a sensate focus technique or something

Him:  its mild you mean?

Me: yeah

      very

Him:  how difficult do you think you could make it

        on a scale of 1-10?

Me:  i have no idea

Him:  ok for a lot more $

Me:  i've never thought about that before

Him:  would you dare do an enema in a guys mouth, laugh in his face

       take the $ and not care?

Me:  no

Him:  for like 5k

Me:  ha

Him:  maybe?

       if it was up front

Me:hold on

Him:  ok

      you think you could handle it

      you there?

I logged off.  I couldn't handle it.  I sent this chat to 10 of my friends, and they couldn't handle it either.

Bikini Boat Bingo

I'm driving in my car to work yesterday and I get a random text from a number I don't recognize:

Him: Hey, I was surfing.  Just got ur texts.  Im not sure, maybe boating this weekend if the weather is nice

Me: Who is this?

Him:  Haha sorry wrong Tina

Me: Lol!  But who is this?  Your number is not in my phone

Him: You sent me ur number a while ago on pof but i erased my account after 48 hrs

Me:  Lol okay.  What was your name on there?

Him:  (Sends a topless pic of a tan, ripped man)
Huh?  Reread my text

Me:  Yeah I know what you said, I was just curious what your account name was on there so I can remember who I am speaking with

Him: O have no idea.  I don't remember

Me: What's your real name?  Nice pic by the way.  That site is terrible, ugh!

Him: Tim.  I do remember u being really fucking hot.  Send a pic

Me: (Sent pic from a wedding)

Him: Nice

Me:  Send me a pic of your face

Him:  I might be way 2 wild for u

Me: How so?   Pic.  Of face.

Him: (Picture of face.  Another picture of face)  Demanding huh (Another tan, hairless and ripped chest picture, this time lower down)

Me: Haha

Him:  Haha?

Me:  Oh that you called me demanding.  Not at your pix. Nice pictures.

Him: (Sends picture of completely shaved genital area, giant penis, squeezing his own balls)
Still laughing?  Lol

Me: No

Him:  Send some.  Lets see what u have

Me:  No I don't send pictures to strangers sorry

Him:  2 bad because I was going to invite u boating this weekend.  R u Jewish?

Me:  Yes I'm Jewish.  Why would my sending you pictures effect you inviting me to go boating?

Him:  Now i remember u.  I am too
(Sends picture of a fancy boat on the open seas)

Me:  Where do you live?

Him:  (A nearby city)  R u going to send more pics or not

Me:  No pictures, sorry.  I don't send pictures like that

Him:  That sucks.  U seem to have amazing tits.

Me:  Yes, I do.  But it's the men that want to date me and don't ask to see them right away that get to see them.

Him:  Hahaha.  I didn't know I wanted to date u.  Chill the f out Tina and dont act like a princess

Me:  You don't have to be a princess to not want to send nude pictures via text to strangers.  I'm acting like a woman with class and not a slut.

Him: (Sends me a picture of a group of young people partying on a boat.  Two are thin young women in bikinis holding red plastic cups, looking very happy to be boating)
Lol

I didn't respond to the Bikini Boat Bingo.  Frankly it looked like too much fun and I was intimidated.  Today he sent me a picture of a giant erect penis with completely shaved pubes. 

Me:  Please don't send me these pictures anymore.

Him:  U dont like it?

Me:  No.  Why would I like random dick pictures from a stranger who was rude to me?  I'm not a gay man.  Women generally don't like dick pix.

Him:  Hahahaha ur one text msg away from being erased no wonder i never talked to u

Me:  PLEASE erase me!  I am not interested in talking to you

Him:  Im not interested in talking u either i just wanted to see those tits

Me:  Not gonna happen.  You're so incredibly charming I'm sure you get boob pix all the time when you send women your shaved dick pictures and invite them to drink out of red plastic cups in bikinis on your cool boat.

Him: :-)

**EXCITING UPDATE!**

I got a text the next day from him....

Him:  I want that jewie ass

Intro

Fuck it.  I'm just going to do this.  I'm going to make some very private things very public.  Because I can't be alone with these expereinces anymore.  Because these tales are too hilarious and fascinating not to be shared.  So welcome.  And enjoy.  I hope you can relate and learn something about the human experience, or at least get a good wank from my stories.  Just kidding... Kind of.

It is not my intention to hurt anyone or ruin any lives.  No private information will ever be shared, including mine.  This is an entirely anonymous blog, so if you know me or anyone in these stories, please do not publicly share identity information.  Thanks.