Gina (one of my best friends) and I often theorize about online dating. She is currently engaged to someone wonderful that she didn't meet online, but she did her fair share of online dating for the little over a year she was single in-between relationships. She also has a brother who frequently online dates, so she has learned a lot about the male perspective from him.
Both Gina and I have had similar experiences: We were dating someone online for a few months, things seemed to be progressing normally, and then we were broken up with suddenly. We had the same reactions of shock and confusion, and we've had many conversations trying to figure out the mystery. We've both had long term relationships with people we've met online and offline, and this phenomena seems to be somewhat recent, since online dating has blown up. The guys that have broken it off with me suddenly had various things to say, when I asked them why.
Here is the list of things I was told that I am or am not enough of:
- I'm not spiritual enough
- I'm too aggressive (both in the world and in bed)
- I have too many opinions
- Something is just "off"
- I talk too much during movies
- I'm too "sensitive"
- We are just too much alike
- We are just too different.
While I completely respect everyone's right to have an incredible romantic relationship, and to be super picky because we all deserve someone fantabulous, some of these things totally baffle me. I'd say they baffle me moreso because many of them have come back later and tried to date me again, telling me how amazing I am and pretty much taking back this feedback.
This weekend I had first dates with two different guys that are very good looking. BOTH of them said something like this to me:
"The thing about online dating, is that if you are seeing someone, and there is one thing wrong that you don't like, it's really easy to break it off with them because there are so many other women online. These sites are like a schmorgesborg, with so many options. And every day new people are joining them."
Okay so, this is pretty much what Gina and I had already concluded when we theorized and talked about it. Not so difficult to figure out or understand, but I'm grateful that I got some validation on the validity of this theory over the weekend.
So what now? This phenomena opens up questions for me, similar to those that I have about Facebook and other social media: Has the internet brought us closer together, or is it pushing us farther apart? With all the access we have to connection, we've also become somewhat numbed and super selective. I can even feel similar things happening inside of me, as I've been bitten by the excitement bug of variety and selectivity. With so many people writing me each day, why should I settle for less than the best? But I ask these hotties online, myself included, how long can we go on this way, with short fleeting connections leading to nowhere? Sure, the experiences can be mind blowing and incredible, but what about depth? What about intimacy? The true beauty of human connection, in my opinion, comes from loving the flaws, licking the wounds, sitting with the things that aren't so pretty as well as those that are stunning. The addiction to newness leaves little room for growth and closeness... And so the search for the "perfect partner" continues... But will they ever be found?
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