I'm unsure as to whether or not anyone follows this blog or checks up on it time to time... But that doesn't really matter for the sake of reflection and truth and self-expression now does it?
So here I sit, over 6 months into a glorious, lovely, sexy, sweet and EASY relationship (who knew it could be easy??). Now I feel full of wisdom and experience, and I flood with rushes of feeling whenever anyone talks to me about their current online dating experiences, wanting to explode my knowledge onto them. So I will explode onto a blank slate, onto the page, and if anyone wants to collect my words and use them for their benefit, then bravo!
So here we go...
1) Ladies, gentleman... I have learned the easiest of all lessons, one that the great Greg Behrendt taught us over a decade ago on Sex and the City. If it's not running smoothly, if it's not easy and happy, especially at the beginning, THEY ARE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! I cannot count the hours of tears and talking and obsessing that I wasted when someone after 2 dates had already declined in their frequency of text messaging me and didn't ask me out for a 3rd date. I would engage in some cute bullshit of gently asking them if they wanted to see me again. Even if they did, and we saw each other one more time, usually that was it.
We are all more intuitive and intelligent than we could possibly imagine!
I learned that the second I got that "freaking out" feeling, it was a lost hope situation. DONE. No questions asked. I wish I could go back in time and shake myself out of any hope I had lingering inside, for it was all false. For looking back now, anyone that backed away slowly, eventually disappeared completely. Which leads me to....
2) Rejection is God's protection. I promise you, it truly is. I am elated that I was fortunate enough to not be strung along by anyone I dated during my dating marathon. They could tell, mostly because I told them, that I was looking for something serious and that I am a good person not worthy of being dicked around. So often they would end things quickly if they knew it wasn't a match.
It felt like I was being stabbed in the heart with an ice pick when someone I was super stoked on backed away and disappeared. These guys would be so enthusiastic about me SO quickly, and then after 2-4 dates go bye-bye. OUCH! And I always wondered, was it them or was it me? I don't think I will ever know. But you know what? It feels much much better to believe it was them. I'm all for self-reflection, but beating yourself up over some guy who treated you like Princess Jasmine for 3 weeks then disappeared, is as silly as a grown-ass woman referencing a Disney movie. It's just plain rude behavior to act so stoked on someone and then peace-out without reason. And who wants to be in love with some rude ass?
3) Someone will adore the things about you that got on someone else's nerves. Yikes I'm quoting all the cliches now aren't I? But this is true, true, TRUE! Which again points to rejection being protection. I've had plenty of guys not like that I'm anxious or intense. My current guy seems to find it cute and is wonderful at calming me. When it's a good match it's easy, light and fun. When it's a bad match, it's heavy, intense and dramatic.
4) What's with all the drama, people? I used to soak up drama like some fancy olive oil on a delicious baguette. YUCK. I am so done with it now. The thought of it makes me want to barf. I can't count the number of people that have talked to me about passion, excitement, intensity, spark, chemistry. Or the ever so wonderful "they have so many good qualities, I'm just waiting for the bad ones to go away so the good qualities will be all that's left." Reality check-- the person you are dating/in a relationship with/married to will most likely not change that much. Of course, people change over time and all the time. But if you are with someone hoping they will change, I wish you all the luck in the universe, because this is pretty delusional. And as bitchy as this sounds, I say it filled with love and compassion and empathy, because I did the same thing for pretty much my whole life. I get it. I'm annoyed at you because I'm annoyed at me for having wasted so much time wanting to change Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right. But trust me when I say that this will never happen, and the drama will slowly eat away at your soul and give you Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia. It's not good for your psyche, or your chi, as a matter of fact.
5) This next one is one big "DUH," but for some reason I didn't get it for a long time so maybe other people have trouble with this as well. It's really easy to tell what the person you are going out with or hooking up with is looking for. If they engage with you about your physical attributes, or most of the interactions are sexual in nature, this is probably not long term potential. Even though I knew this inside, sometimes I would hope that someone I was casually involved with would become someone I was seriously involved with. To again quote Greg Behrendt, people show you who they are all the time. We sometimes just pretend not to notice. And to quote myself, from earlier in this blog piece, we are all more intuitive and intelligent than we could possibly imagine. So trust your gut feelings. Trust yourself.
6) Knowing what you are seeking really helps your dating life. For a long time I knew I wanted a serious relationship, but I also knew I wanted some casual encounters along the way. I thought that I could do both at the same time-- seeking a great romance while hooking up with attractive unavailable types. It seems like a good plan, and maybe it was, because I'm in a great place now. But I didn't reach this great place until I started saying no to hooking up with unavailable types. As cheesy as it sounds, I began to energetically change a lot of things in my life: I made a vision board, I got into therapy directed at relationship issues, I bought a "soulmates" painting, etc. All of the stuff that I had read about for years about working on myself and changing myself energetically actually worked. I've been less of a woo-woo type in recent years so I was pretty shocked by this.
I don't have much more to say at this point, other then that I am so happy to be out of the dating world. I am grateful for all of my experiences and I hope to help other people with the wisdom I have gained.
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