3Rock

I'm in a grumpy mood tonight.  Just feeling really over the guys that are only seeking one thing from women, without any respect or care and with so little effort and charm. Sometimes I just gotta speak my mind to these douche bags.  And PS, who doesn't know what 30 Rock is??!!

HIM:
what are you up to?

ME:
just watching 30rock, you?

HIM:
bored, where in [my city] are you?

ME:
[My neighborhood], you?

HIM:
im in [insanely close to me]...can i come watch 3 rock or whatever its called w you?

ME:
lol... no i don't meet up with people i don't know in my home late at night! but i live very very close to you.

HIM:
well but you definitely sound like one who follows a protocol. You live that close, we might even run into each other. You ll recognize me (saying bcse it's now happened twice) but if we are alreadt starting on the wrong foot -- you are not adventurous etc. --- it's just going to be a coincidence that we are neighbors.  so good luck here.

ME:
Yeah. No offense but your term "adventurous" is really offensive to me. As a woman dating online I have to be safe. I would never let a stranger into my home that I didn't meet out in the world first. I'm not a slut and I'm not looking for something dangerous. Any woman that does that is not looking out for herself. Women get killed for doing stupid shit like that. So when you say I'm not adverturous or I'm one that follows protocol, that's a load of crap. I respect myself and I don't just have strangers over to my apartment to fuck them. Have fun with the whores on here.

HIM:
I am..

Heat

The Christmas season really brings out the best in people.  I feel filled with holiday cheer and warmth when I receive messages like this, especially when they remember to wish me a Merry Christmas.  Sooooo sweet!

Hey Merry Christmas. I like your pics. you look pretty innocent. but you like to f*** in heat. by the way check me out you get a chance check me out Jonathan

I checked his profile out.  He's a 45 year old, very thin, gray-haired Harley-driving truck driver with a handlebar mustache and an RV.  He has a daughter and interests include talking and listening to what's on your mind.  While he seems like an intriguing man of great contradictions, I opted out of responding to him.  I don't think his RV is big enough for him, his daughter and I, because I tend to make a loud screeching noise when I'm in heat and getting f***ed. 

Straight to the Point

I came across the most classy profile today.  Kudos to this bloke for asking for what he wants.  I admire that in a person.

Hi, I'm Jack. I'm a single man that's interested in typical guy stuff. I love NFL football, barbecuing, hitting the gym and being lazy. Not necessarily in that order.

I'm looking for an honest, sweet, caring, loving and submissive woman.
She must know how to cook and love to give head.

If that offends you then please move along. Angry email not necessary.

I'm Not Immune to Fraud

I have to admit, I am not immune to the occasional fraud sneaking his way into my heart.  Here's a real winner of a tale.  It's not int he least bit funny.

I was on OKCupid one night and noticed that a very handsome guy looked at my profile.  He had two professional photos, one with a wedding ring on, with a caption that read, "Don't worry, I'm not married.  I posed for an ad for my friend."  I decided to say hello to him on chat.  He was incredibly friendly, we talked about ourselves, and he asked me to text him.  We began texting back and forth and learning about each other.

I quickly learned that he's Italian, has 7 sisters, works in the computer field, has gone to hackers conventions, is into geeky things, and finds me to be very pretty.  He's friendly, smart and interesting to talk to.  He's never done online dating before, and I would be the first person he would meet from online.  He doesn't have a Facebook because he's "never been into it," and he knows people find that very strange.  He knows I'm dating a few people and wants to "win me over" from them.  I show him my blog and he wants to "take me out on a bad date."  He wants to make his way into my blog, and says I can even post his pictures in here.

A few days into our correspondence, I ask him when he wants to meet up.  He says, "Oh, I didn't tell you I'm going to New York for business?  I'll be back in 2 and a half weeks."  We continue corresponding daily, and he is immediately very into me, telling me how pretty I am, how smart and funny I am, that he wants to make out with me, that I'm so pretty that if he met me he would be so nervous he'd probably "spill water all over himself or something."  I've been lonely lately and he was beginning to charm me.  Initially I resisted, saying that he doesn't know me, that attraction can only be known from meeting in person, that we may not like each other if we actually meet.  But he kept insisting that he feels like he already knows me, that I'm so pretty, that he knows he likes me.

He even went so far as to tell me that he has 23 nieces and nephews, and that if we get together I have to be prepared to write lots of holiday cards.

For a few days I bought into it, living in the fantasy world he was spinning, smoking from the same crack pipe as him.  I was feeling anxious about the situation, not knowing if I was attracted to him or not, yet allowing him to talk so romantically to me anyway, so I kept asking him to send me more pictures.  He told me he only has pictures on his computer at home, that he travels with a less expensive computer, and that his phone isn't letting him send photos.  He also didn't want to Skpe with me.  "Just meet me first, then we can Skype after."

I awoke one morning feeling like I came out of a dream.  I sent him a message which read, "I find it retarded that you won't send me pictures of you.  Even if you phone isn't sending photos, you can take a photo and email it.  You're an IT guy, you can figure it out."  He asked if I was mad at him and I told him I didn't want to text anymore, to just call me when he can.  I talked to a few of my friends about him and they all had the feeling that he was lying about who he said he was.  He wouldn't send me pictures, he magically was in NY when I asked to see him, he was wearing a wedding ring in a photo, he didn't have a Facebook account.  Things did not add up.

We spoke on the phone late that night.  He told me that he can be selfish, and he feels uncomfortable sending me more photos.  I went through everything I had been talking to my friends about that day-- that for women, online dating can be vulnerable, and these things aren't matching up, and I'm concerned he's not who he says he is.  I ask him point blank if he's the guy in the photos and he responds that he is.  He apologizes, says he's never done online dating before, says he's going to send me a picture the next day and that he feels really embarrassed.  We talk about meeting when he returns from his trip, and he suggests I bring a friend to meet him to "make me feel more comfortable."  After we get off the phone, he sends me text massages in Italian, saying he's sorry, he feels so stupid and is embarrassed to talk to me. 

A few days go by and I hear nothing from him.  No picture.  No text messages or phone calls.  I message him asking how he is and I hear nothing.

Today I sent him a message asking him to communicate with me and I hear nothing back.  So I decide to take matters into my own hands.

I find out that you can search an image by dragging it into Google Images.  I did this and found.....

That the images he sent me are of a married opera singer from across the country.  And not only has he used this guy's image, but many many other people have as well.  I'm starting to think this is like some image that computer hackers or geeky dudes use to pretend like they are a hot hunky dude.

I search his email addresses, and find him writing about computer stuff 6 years ago, so I'm guessing he didn't lie about that part.  A very irrational side of me emerged and I called and emailed him a few times, letting him know that I was onto him, sending him links to prove that I can see what's up.  He closed down his email account and didn't answer his phone.

So now I'm left with not knowing who this person is at all, concerned that some psycho is going to knock down my door.  But the most logical explanation is that he's just some lonely nerdy dude who wanted to try to get me to like him by getting to know him first, meeting him, and seeing how far he could go.  Or he never intended on meeting me and just wanted to write me.  Whatever the case may be, the internet is a wild and scary place at times, for psychos to roam free and pray on the innocent.  Be careful out there people, learn from my stories.... Now I'm wishing I would have been more careful.

And last but not least, his desire has been fulfilled... Here are his "pictures," posted in my blog.

Thankfully I was spared from his "bad date".... I can only imagine what that would have been like and shudder.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo

My friend dated an Oompa Loompa for about a decade.  And not just any Oompa Loompa, but a really fat and scary looking one.  I remember the first time I saw him at a party.  I didn't know it was her boyfriend, and I literally felt fear when I saw this person. I thought to myself, "Oh my god, this guy looks like how I picture a mass school shooter to look.  How did he get invited to this house party?  I hope he's not packing heat and gonna shoot us all up."  Yes, I am aware of how horribly judgmental this sounds but there was just something REALLY creepy about him.

Then I find out that they've broken up and gotten back together a few times because he cheated on her multiple times.  She's an attractive woman and he's, well, see the above paragraph to understand how hunky of a motha-fucka he is.  Apparently she loved him for his humor and charming personality.  I will admit that when I talked to him the few times I met him he was pretty charming, but not enough to make up for his little round figure and the fact that he's a gross cheater.  Thankfully, they broke up for good a few months ago and she is already dating other people and feeling much better.

I got a new message on one of the dating sites I'm on.  And low and behold, it's from this sexy hottie.  He's also got a way with words:

Quite a resume you got going on there...
I read it..
I could never say the right thing here sooo..ill try my best..
Im very intelligent , i workout daily and i am EXTREMELY PASSIONATE.
I think you would find me very refreshing among man I spk 3 Languages I've traveled I want to travel more Hope to hear from you..
Cheers

I was shocked to get this message, and the most shocking part was not that he didn't recognize me, but that he WORKS OUT DAILY!  In any case, I'm actually super nice, despite that I'm going straight to hell for how bitchy I'm being in this blog entry, and I didn't want to embarrass him.  So I wrote back:

Thanks for the nice message! It's Tina, Julie's friend, do you not recognize me?          

He responds:

O my god
2nd time
this is terrible

I felt bad about how bad he probably felt, so I responded:

Oh it's okay, don't worry about it!

Then hottie loverboy writes back:

U look great ..
I always thought so...
How u been ..?          

I never responded.  Poor guy.  Despite the fact that he speaks 3 languages, he never learned the very logical street slang term "Chicks Before Dicks."    

Make Me Wear the Purple Panties

I'm up late at night scrolling through profiles on Jdate a few months back.  A guy from another state, across the country, begins to IM me.  He looks really handsome and has a great profile so I decide to answer his instant message.

"Hey, how's it going?" He asks.

"Doing well, how are you?  You're up really late!"

"Yeah, I like to stay up late.  So, can I tell you a fantasy?"

Wow, this guy just gets right into it.  Just like OKCupid after dark, there is also a Jdate after dark.  A guy I wrote to a few times said that after midnight the "Jdate zombies" come out, or something like that.  I sometimes have trouble sleeping and I tend to chat online when this is the case.  I'm guessing this is some of why I've encountered many of the freaks I've written about in this blog-- because they are up late at night, looking to act out their fantasies.

"Sure, why not.  I've got nothing better to do."

"Well, I have this fantasy of marrying a Jewish woman.  She'll be really sweet to me and we'll have a loving relationship."

"Hrm, that doesn't sound like a fantasy to me.  That just sounds like an essay on what you are looking for from this site."

"I'm not done," he said.  "She'll be really sweet to me when we are out in the world.  But when we come home, if I'm bad, she'll punish me."

"Punish you?  I'm not quite sure what you mean."

"Are you a princess at all?  Do you like to tell guys what to do?"

I thought back on my history.  I've always been really loving in my romantic relationships, and I never viewed myself as much of a princess.  Suddenly I was flooded with flashbacks of being 10 years old.  I used to love to boss around my little cousins, and be the princess with my parents.  Wow, it's like this guy was hypnotizing me and I was in a therapy session, getting in touch with a side of myself I had completely repressed.

"Um, I don't know.  I'm not a princess in my relationships, but I guess sometimes I do like being a princess."  I was really conflicted on how to answer this question, because I don't think most guys want to date a JAP (Jewish American Princess), so I opted for a safe answer.

"You don't like bossing guys around at all?  Let me tell you more about my fantasy.  I want to marry a Jewish woman who treats me really well, but when we come home, she's totally different.  If I'm really bad, she'll put me in a cage."

"Woah.  This is interesting.  Tell me more."

"Oh, are you interested?  Is this something you think you'd want to do?"

"I'm not sure.  I think I'm too 'nice' for this.  But I'm curious about what you like.  Tell me more."

This is one of those situations where I felt I'd catch more flies with honey than vinegar.  I'd always heard about S & M relationships, and I've never read 50 Shades of Gray, so I wanted to learn about this from the horses mouth.

"Okay.  So also, if I'm really bad, I want her to make me wear my special panties.  What's your favorite color?  What color do you want the panties to be?"

"Um, purple?"

"So if I'm really bad, do you think you could make me wear the purple panties?  And invite all your friends over?  I want you to make me wear the purple panties, invite your friends over, and force me to serve you and your friends drinks.  I've been really really bad."

"Wow, I don't think I could make you do that."

"You don't want to do it at all?  What if I was really really really bad?  Would you make me sleep on the floor at night?"

"No.  That's really mean and would hurt your back."

"This is part of my fantasy.  Just play along.  You're a princess, tell me what to do.  I've been really really really bad!  Tell me what to do!  Make me wear the panties!"

"Honestly, I'm pretty nice, I don't think I can play along with this.  I'm not into humiliation."

"I'm super horny thinking about it.  Just play along.  I think you have it in you!"

I couldn't do it.  I really couldn't.  Instead I started asking him questions.

"Have you ever acted this out in real life?"

"No, I really want to, but I'm shy."

"So you write to women across the country and act it out in that way?"  I asked him, feeling very curious.

"Yes, I don't think a woman I'm dating would accept me for this, so I write to women in other states and talk about it with them."

"What kinds of reactions do they have?"

"Usually they are very curious, like you are.  So.  I've been really bad.  I know you can do it.  Put me in the panties.  Put me in a cage.  Let me rub your feet and do all the dishes."

"Wait, you'd do my dishes and rub my feet?"

"Yes, ma'dam.  Whatever you want, princess."

OMG!  I *AM* a princess!!!  It's my secret dream to do nothing all day, have someone do everything for me and then have them rub my feet and shoulders because I'm so exhausted from doing nothing.  This exchange really was tapping into some strange parts of my psyche.

"Okay, so I don't think I like to humiliate anyone, but I do want to be pampered."

"Yes princess, let me rub your feet.  You're making me really horny."

"Wow, it's getting late, I have to go to sleep now."  I just wanted a foot rub, I didn't want to make him horny and have him jack off to the thought of rubbing my little tootsies.  Plus it really was late and I had to work the next day.

"Whatever you say, princess.  Nice talking to you."

"Nice talking to you too.  I want to encourage you to act out these fantasies in real life.  There are plenty of people out there who want what you want.  I promise you."

"Okay, I'm really scared. :(  But maybe I'll try."

"I'm the princess here.  I'm the one in charge.  I ORDER YOU to explore this in real life."

"Okay princess, whatever you say."

This conversation was quite eye opening.  I got back in touch with my princess-self that I abandoned at age 10.  Since then I've gone to about 8 S & M clubs and I'm now a well known Dom in my city.  Just kidding.  But I have been experimenting with my more dominant sides both in the bedroom and with my friends.  In the bedroom, the guys seem somewhat into it and somewhat freaked out.  My friends have just been calling me a bitch, so it's not really working out so well.

The Gentlemanly Adult

OKCupid has the option of adding someone as your "favorite," and it used to have the option of letting them know you've "chosen" them.  As a woman using online dating to find potential partners, one thing I often do is "favorite" someone to let them know I like them, but I don't make the first move to write them because it feels like I'm stepping out of line with my gender role.  I figure, if they are interested they will write me when they see I've "favorited" them.

There was an attractive guy I added as a favorite many months ago but didn't write him a message.  He wrote me a charming little message directly after, and we had a delightful conversation that can only be described as the stereotypical rom-com "meet-cute."

Him:  Why bother adding me as a favorite if you aren't going to email me?

Me:  Haha you are straightforward! How's it going? I'm watching the Super Bowl with my family but paying zero attention.

Him:  That still doesn't answer my question.

Me:  I added you as a favorite when I first joined. I looked at a lot of people, favorited some, let them know, and figured if a guy was interested they would be gentlemanly and write me first.

Him:  Has nothing to do with being a gentleman. If you are going to act like an adult, then you'd contact the person if you are going to add them as a favorite.

Me:  I don't think that has anything to do with being an adult, at least not for me. It has more to do with gender roles in my opinion. But thanks for yours.

No response.  Months later, this Prince Charming forgot about our first interaction and engaged me in another one.

Him:  Where do you live?

Me: (Place that I live, which will never be publicly revealed)

Him:  I have a friend who lives right by there.  How are you doing?

Me:  I'm doing well, how are you?

Him:  Not too bad.  Although from reading your "multiple choice questions" I'm not sure how well we'd get along :(

Me:  Oh yeah?

Him: Yeah, a couple of things we wouldn't click on

Me:  That's normal in life.  Like what in particular?

Him:  Yes, but they are ones that aren't negotiable.  They are deal breakers.
Well 1) you don't drink at all and 2) you wait 6 dates or more to have sex

Me:  Ah.  Right.  So you are looking to get drunk and get laid on this site?

Him:  Nope.  I can get laid anywhere, that's not the issue.  And having a drink doesn't mean getting drunk.

Me:  Very true.  What is your answer to the number of dates sex question?

Him: 1-2

Me:  Wow.  Do you you mind me asking why?

Him:  Because both people know right away whether or not they want each other sexually.  It is stupid in my option to wait and then find out that you don't click sexually.  The longer someone waits, the less interested I am.

Me:  Fair enough.

Him:  I hope you find someone that is at your level.

Me:  Thank you.  Same to you.

Sigh.  The glass slipper didn't fit this time.  I really thought he may have been "the one."  I cried myself to sleep for the next 6 nights.