Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo

My friend dated an Oompa Loompa for about a decade.  And not just any Oompa Loompa, but a really fat and scary looking one.  I remember the first time I saw him at a party.  I didn't know it was her boyfriend, and I literally felt fear when I saw this person. I thought to myself, "Oh my god, this guy looks like how I picture a mass school shooter to look.  How did he get invited to this house party?  I hope he's not packing heat and gonna shoot us all up."  Yes, I am aware of how horribly judgmental this sounds but there was just something REALLY creepy about him.

Then I find out that they've broken up and gotten back together a few times because he cheated on her multiple times.  She's an attractive woman and he's, well, see the above paragraph to understand how hunky of a motha-fucka he is.  Apparently she loved him for his humor and charming personality.  I will admit that when I talked to him the few times I met him he was pretty charming, but not enough to make up for his little round figure and the fact that he's a gross cheater.  Thankfully, they broke up for good a few months ago and she is already dating other people and feeling much better.

I got a new message on one of the dating sites I'm on.  And low and behold, it's from this sexy hottie.  He's also got a way with words:

Quite a resume you got going on there...
I read it..
I could never say the right thing here sooo..ill try my best..
Im very intelligent , i workout daily and i am EXTREMELY PASSIONATE.
I think you would find me very refreshing among man I spk 3 Languages I've traveled I want to travel more Hope to hear from you..
Cheers

I was shocked to get this message, and the most shocking part was not that he didn't recognize me, but that he WORKS OUT DAILY!  In any case, I'm actually super nice, despite that I'm going straight to hell for how bitchy I'm being in this blog entry, and I didn't want to embarrass him.  So I wrote back:

Thanks for the nice message! It's Tina, Julie's friend, do you not recognize me?          

He responds:

O my god
2nd time
this is terrible

I felt bad about how bad he probably felt, so I responded:

Oh it's okay, don't worry about it!

Then hottie loverboy writes back:

U look great ..
I always thought so...
How u been ..?          

I never responded.  Poor guy.  Despite the fact that he speaks 3 languages, he never learned the very logical street slang term "Chicks Before Dicks."