I've Made it Out, Alive and Well!

I'm unsure as to whether or not anyone follows this blog or checks up on it time to time... But that doesn't really matter for the sake of reflection and truth and self-expression now does it?

So here I sit, over 6 months into a glorious, lovely, sexy, sweet and EASY relationship (who knew it could be easy??).  Now I feel full of wisdom and experience, and I flood with rushes of feeling whenever anyone talks to me about their current online dating experiences, wanting to explode my knowledge onto them.  So I will explode onto a blank slate, onto the page, and if anyone wants to collect my words and use them for their benefit, then bravo!

So here we go...

1) Ladies, gentleman... I have learned the easiest of all lessons, one that the great Greg Behrendt taught us over a decade ago on Sex and the City.  If it's not running smoothly, if it's not easy and happy, especially at the beginning, THEY ARE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!  I cannot count the hours of tears and talking and obsessing that I wasted when someone after 2 dates had already declined in their frequency of text messaging me and didn't ask me out for a 3rd date.  I would engage in some cute bullshit of gently asking them if they wanted to see me again.  Even if they did, and we saw each other one more time, usually that was it.

We are all more intuitive and intelligent than we could possibly imagine!

I learned that the second I got that "freaking out" feeling, it was a lost hope situation.  DONE.  No questions asked.  I wish I could go back in time and shake myself out of any hope I had lingering inside, for it was all false.  For looking back now, anyone that backed away slowly, eventually disappeared completely.  Which leads me to....

2) Rejection is God's protection.  I promise you, it truly is.  I am elated that I was fortunate enough to not be strung along by anyone I dated during my dating marathon.  They could tell, mostly because I told them, that I was looking for something serious and that I am a good person not worthy of being dicked around.  So often they would end things quickly if they knew it wasn't a match.

It felt like I was being stabbed in the heart with an ice pick when someone I was super stoked on backed away and disappeared.  These guys would be so enthusiastic about me SO quickly, and then after 2-4 dates go bye-bye.  OUCH!  And I always wondered, was it them or was it me?  I don't think I will ever know.  But you know what?  It feels much much better to believe it was them.  I'm all for self-reflection, but beating yourself up over some guy who treated you like Princess Jasmine for 3 weeks then disappeared, is as silly as a grown-ass woman referencing a Disney movie.  It's just plain rude behavior to act so stoked on someone and then peace-out without reason.  And who wants to be in love with some rude ass?

3) Someone will adore the things about you that got on someone else's nerves.  Yikes I'm quoting all the cliches now aren't I?  But this is true, true, TRUE!  Which again points to rejection being protection.  I've had plenty of guys not like that I'm anxious or intense.  My current guy seems to find it cute and is wonderful at calming me.  When it's a good match it's easy, light and fun.  When it's a bad match, it's heavy, intense and dramatic.

4) What's with all the drama, people?  I used to soak up drama like some fancy olive oil on a delicious baguette.  YUCK.  I am so done with it now.  The thought of it makes me want to barf.  I can't count the number of people that have talked to me about passion, excitement, intensity, spark, chemistry.  Or the ever so wonderful "they have so many good qualities, I'm just waiting for the bad ones to go away so the good qualities will be all that's left."  Reality check-- the person you are dating/in a relationship with/married to will most likely not change that much.  Of course, people change over time and all the time.  But if you are with someone hoping they will change, I wish you all the luck in the universe, because this is pretty delusional.  And as bitchy as this sounds, I say it filled with love and compassion and empathy, because I did the same thing for pretty much my whole life.  I get it.  I'm annoyed at you because I'm annoyed at me for having wasted so much time wanting to change Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right.  But trust me when I say that this will never happen, and the drama will slowly eat away at your soul and give you Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia.  It's not good for your psyche, or your chi, as a matter of fact.

5) This next one is one big "DUH," but for some reason I didn't get it for a long time so maybe other people have trouble with this as well.  It's really easy to tell what the person you are going out with or hooking up with is looking for.  If they engage with you about your physical attributes, or most of the interactions are sexual in nature, this is probably not long term potential.  Even though I knew this inside, sometimes I would hope that someone I was casually involved with would become someone I was seriously involved with.  To again quote Greg Behrendt, people show you who they are all the time.  We sometimes just pretend not to notice.  And to quote myself, from earlier in this blog piece, we are all more intuitive and intelligent than we could possibly imagine.  So trust your gut feelings.  Trust yourself.

6) Knowing what you are seeking really helps your dating life.  For a long time I knew I wanted a serious relationship, but I also knew I wanted some casual encounters along the way.  I thought that I could do both at the same time-- seeking a great romance while hooking up with attractive unavailable types.  It seems like a good plan, and maybe it was, because I'm in a great place now.  But I didn't reach this great place until I started saying no to hooking up with unavailable types.  As cheesy as it sounds, I began to energetically change a lot of things in my life: I made a vision board, I got into therapy directed at relationship issues, I bought a "soulmates" painting, etc.  All of the stuff that I had read about for years about working on myself and changing myself energetically actually worked.  I've been less of a woo-woo type in recent years so I was pretty shocked by this.

I don't have much more to say at this point, other then that I am so happy to be out of the dating world. I am grateful for all of my experiences and I hope to help other people with the wisdom I have gained.

Prose to the World Wild Web

 

Whereas once my romantic life was determined by proximity-- junior high school classes, dorms, neighbors, friends of friends,

Now it is reliant on the World Wild Web...

And oh the webs I've weaved, taking silken matter from parts unknown, from territory I never thought I would trot...

A world of possibility, of hope, of despair, of passion and bliss.  Of chaos.

This generation exists so differently than any other part of history,

Whereas once coincidence was mystical, and romance organically sprouted,
Now here I am, staring at a glowing screen, judging by pictures and words, meeting in public for safety purposes.

Opening up to the world, the possibility of a "Craigslist Killer," or being "Catfished."

Opening up to the possibility of meeting someone I would normally never meet, someone so far outside my social circles, that meeting from online begins to feel like a different kind of fate, a newer, 21 century fate.

All extremes exist here, the inner selves come out to play, the selves hidden away when working in tightly fitting business attire behind stuffy little wooden desks, are free to roam.

The perverts, the romantics, the ashamed.  The seekers, the avoiders, the hedonists, the perpetual children, the picky, the cheaters, the hopeful.

It's all out there, it's all within me.  What is within is without.  What is without is within.  I am he as you are he as you are she and we are all together. 

And so this World Wild Web is a play thing, a game, an experiment.  As confusing as humanity itself.  As beautiful and ugly as each one of us is.  Because we created it.  And we are it.

Catfished, Take Two!

A few months ago, a very handsome young man continuously looked at my OkCupid profile without writing me.  Under his profile name read M/32/Available (which in the world of online dating usually means someone is in an "open relationship).  He had a snarky adorable smile with lovely little dimples and stylish dark blond hair.  Upon reading his profile, I learned that he had a girlfriend, but was in an open relationship with her.  He wrote that if you are looking for "fun dates, and even more for post-dates," to write him a message.

This is not what I'm looking for at all, but I sent him a flirty message anyway.

"I notice you've been looking at my profile," I wrote.  "It's a nice profile, it deserves to be looked at," he responded. 

This began a long thread of hundreds of back and forth messages.  The communication was open and he presented as caring, intelligent, fun and flirty.  He had a PhD in something I hardly understood and he had a lot of fascinating things to say.

His story went like this:  He had a girlfriend that he deeply loved, but his sex drive is much higher than hers.  It was her idea to open up their relationship for casual sex with others, so that he can be fulfilled sexually and still stay with her.  In a month he was going to travel to another country for a month, then return for a few months, then study in another country for a year.  He and his girlfriend had already decided to break up before he left to study abroad, however they would stay together for the next few months before he leaves.

I knew this was a messy situation to get involved in.  But as it sometimes happen for me, I began doing a little fantasizing.  Maybe I would meet this handsome, well educated man and we would begin some kind of strange and compelling romance.  Maybe he would come home in a year and we'd both magically be single and have a relationship. 

However the rational side knew that even meeting him was a silly idea.  If we hooked up casually and I liked him, he has a girlfriend now and that would just be bad new bears for me.  I kept him at a distance but continued some virtual flirting.  

After a month he left for his trip.  I was going out with a few people at the time and not really thinking about him.  But a month later I was looking through old messages and saw one from him.  I looked at his profile, and instead of saying "Available," it now read "Single."   

I sent him a little message, "I see that you are single now."  He responded that he had just returned from his trip, was still with his girlfriend but they had decided for sure to break up when he leaves to go study.  He told me that he had great sex with his girlfriend when he returned from his trip, but his sex drive was so high that he was left unsatisfied. 

At this point our flirting became more intense.  I felt free to be more wild with him, knowing he was leaving soon, knowing his girlfriend was fine with him being with other women, knowing I most likely wouldn't get attached with this framework in place.  Sexy talk turned to sexy pictures turned to him saying he really wanted to meet me.  (Note: his sexy pictures were only body shots.  I asked numerous times for face shots but he magically ignored my requests.)

I began to think that I wanted to meet him.  My curiosity and excitement of the taboo of it all began to take over.  He called me one night when I came home from being out with friends at 2:30am... We talked for 2 hours.  He was smart, interesting, a great listener.  I felt comfortable with him and was really enjoying our connection.  He told me that he couldn't stop thinking about me, that for the last few days he was constantly checking his email to see if I wrote him, looking at his phone to see if I've sent him any sexy pictures.  We made tentative plans to meet a few days later, but I expressed my concerns.  "I'm worried I will like you if we meet, and then it will become a tricky situation.  This whole thing is strange and complex, but I'm also intrigued and really enjoy communicating with you."

"Well," he sighed, "I am going to throw another monkey wrench into this equation. You know the profile you wrote me on?  Well that's not really my profile."

"What do you mean?"  I asked, feeling my heart beating faster by the moment.

"I met this guy when I was traveling through Eastern Europe.  He told me that he was looking to move to America and asked if I thought American girls would find him attractive.  I told him I would put up an online dating profile with his photos to see if girls would write to him.  That's the profile you wrote me on.  I never write to people from it, but you wrote me first so I responded." 

"So that's not you?  The pictures you've sent me haven't been you?  What else isn't true?"  I asked, feeling totally freaked out.

"No, that's not my face.  All the body photos I sent you are me however."

"Well then why would you put on his profile the blurb about the open relationship?  Is that even true?"

He responded, "Everything I've told you is true, except that's not my face.  I used to have the blurb about the open relationship on my real profile, until a family friend visited it.  I really didn't want that information getting back to my parents, so I took it off, stopped signing onto that profile and added it to the fake one.  I can send you a picture of my face if you like."

"Sure, I'd like to see what you really look like," I responded.

He sent me a picture.  I wasn't attracted to the guy at all.  I told him that I found him cute just to be polite and talked to him for another 20 minutes then told him I had to go to sleep.  It was nearly 5am.

That night I couldn't sleep, feeling strangely violated but also silly for getting involved in a situation like this.  My rule of thumb has always been to meet people sooner than later to avoid something like this happening.  He had duped me but once again I allowed it to happen.

The next day he wrote me like nothing had happened.  I told him I needed some time to think about all that had gone down.  Eventually he checked in and I told him the truth, that I wasn't attracted to him like I was to the pictures he put up of his "friend."  He said he understood and wished me good luck in the dating world.

Of course I'm left with a creeped out feeling... But I'm also left with some questions about attraction... In terms of the mind, heart, soul and then of course, the body.  Now let's say he didn't have a girlfriend, and we were just writing, having great conversation and chemistry.  I'm thinking he's this hunky dude, and then he turns out to be not such a hottie.  What an awkward position I was put in, actually questioning my own superficiality.  But I think that's important to do, to question what attraction is and can we love the insides in a romantic situation so much that the outsides cease to matter? 

To end this whale of a tale in a humorous and ponderous manner, I will quote the great Adam Carolla, who is an avid Catfish watcher.

"As you know I watch this show Catfish on MTV and... I've seen most of the episodes, and it's one of those, you know exactly how it's gonna end.  Cuz nobody looks like their online picture and everyone's got a fake name.  It's a couple of things.  I've always broken it down to, Catfish is, if I had to just describe it in under 150 words, it's uh, "She's my soulmate, she's the love of my life.  What?  She's fat?  Fuck that bitch!"  That's how the whole thing goes down.  It starts with soulmate, it goes to oh, she's 30 lbs heavier than her picture, and, moving on.  That's how it works."     

I've Come Undone

     
      This is it. Time for some honesty. Time to let down the goofy sardonic persona. Here is me undone.


      I've been dating in this big bad city for over a year and a half now. I have learned so much and yet nothing at all.  I set out on this dating journey hoping to reach a destination, one where I could take down my online profiles for good, settle down, curl up on a couch and nestle my head in his lap, burrow away for a lifetime. I wanted to say goodbye to old patterns, pick someone available, do it right this time.


      So where did it go so wrong?


      Is it me? Is it them? Is it that the Internet dating system is as flawed as humanity itself?


      In this process I have fallen hard, spilled open, closed myself off, fallen hard, spilled open and closed myself off again. Wash, rinse, repeat. Over and over and over.


      It goes like this: I meet someone attractive and seemingly lovely. We have a fantastic first date. They contact me right away for a second one. I do things right. I don't call them, I wait patiently to hear from them, I look pretty, I talk nicely, I am myself, I open up, I don't act like a psycho or a bitch. But without fail, after 2 dates or 2 months, they find something they don't like and go away. Sometimes they say goodbye in a text message, sometimes a phone call. One time a guy came back crying, asking to be with me again, only to break it off again a month later. Sometimes they want to remain my friend and have. Other times I hear from them months and months later online or through text asking me for a purely sexual relationship. And other times they say goodbye and are gone without a trace, like a ghost I only dreamed of.


       I'm lost in this whirlwind. I deeply connect with each of them, I show myself, I'm always honest. I'm too pure and too kind for this game. I'm sad, I'm lost.  The highs and lows of this world are laughable at best and disturbing at worst. I'm finally to the point of slowing my dating life down that it's almost non existent, and for once, that is totally and completely okay.  I throw myself on the alter of surrender. I let go.

       One of my favorite quotes about love seems appropriate at this point:

“Why do you suppose the poets talk about hearts?' he asked me suddenly. 'When they discuss emotional damage? The tissue of hearts is tough as a shoe. Did you ever sew up a heart?'

I shook my head. 'No, but I've watched. I know what you mean.' The walls of a heart are thick and strong, and the surgeons use heavy needles. It takes a good bit of strength, but it pulls together neatly. As much as anything it's like binding a book.

The seat of human emotion should be the liver,' Doc Homer said. 'That would be an appropriate metaphor: we don't hold love in our hearts, we hold it in our livers.'

I understood exactly. Once in ER I saw a woman who'd been stabbed everywhere, most severely in the liver. It's an organ with the consistency of layer upon layer of wet Kleenex. Every attempt at repair just opens new holes that tear and bleed. You try to close the wound with fresh wounds, and you try and you try and you don't give up until there's nothing left.”

― Barbara Kingsolver

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are!

                                  
I fancy myself somewhat of a human rights activist... I don't picket or have clever bumper stickers or wear shirts saying "This is what a feminist looks like," but I sometimes try, on an interpersonal level, to help people open their minds on varying issues.  I also can't help but try to support people that seem to be suffering, even if it's from afar with a bright shining screen between us. 

This is why I engaged myself not once, but twice, with a guy I believe to be very deeply in the closet and struggling with some self loathing.  I feel super duper sad for him but also somewhat disturbed by the presentation of his feelings.  We had this first conversation many moons ago... And he must have forgotten about it, as months and months later, with a different username but with the same photo and same first name, he wrote me again.  I pretended like I didn't remember him because I was hoping to get farther in second conversation than I did in the first one.   

Conversation with John, Take One...

Him: Hi, I am John - how are you?

Me: hi john
i'm doing well, how are you?

Him: good
do you think opposites attract?

Me: possibly!
why do you ask?

Him: i think opposites can attract but need similar values. Do you believe in total honesty?

Me: yes

Him: If a boyfriend loved you and would never cheat, but had bicurious thoughts sometimes, would you want him to admit?

Me: sure
why do you ask?

Him: it is embarrassing for a man to admit

Me: i'm insanely open minded
and i'm obsessed with gay rights and really into queer culture
so you don't have to be embarrassed talking to me about any of this!

Him: i think gay and bi is wrong

Me: why

Him: not nature's design

Me: omg
okay i totally disagree
it can't be wrong if it exists
no one would choose it if they were given the choice
okay so i guess you don't want to talk about this anymore?
ha
well i wish you good luck on whatever it is you are dealing with, if you ever want to talk i'm here


Conversation with John, Take Two...

Him: Hi - I am John - how are you?

Me: I'm good how are you?

Him: I am housesitting and found something funny

Me: What?

Him: A playgirl magazine with pictures of a muscular man. Lol

Me: Lol nice

Him: Embarrassing for me lol

Me: Why?

Him: I am a little curious to see lol

Me: That's okay
no biggie

Him: Really? If a bf or husband admitted, you would understand?
i only like women :)

Understand embarrassing for a man to admit?

Me: I believe there is a scale of sexuality and it's rare to be fully anything, so of course I believe a man could be curious! I think we all or to varying degrees

Him: I think bi and gay is wrong.

Me: Why?

Him: Unnatural

Me: I'm just going to take a risk and say all of this knowing that you probably won't respond but I'm okay with that...
So you've written me before, saying the same kind of bi-curious statement. I don't remember exactly what it was but I can find it if you are curious. The conversation was exactly the same-- you hinted at being attracted to men and then when I said that its fine you started saying how you believe being gay or bi is wrong.
First of all, I find that offensive, but of course you are entitled to your opinions. I don't believe that any feelings are wrong or unnatural because if little kids have them, well to me that's natural. They don't create them or make themselves have them. That's the definition of natural if you ask me. Little kids don't know what's what, they just feel things.
Second of all, you are so clearly struggling with your own sexual identity it's painfully obvious to me. You write to strangers testing the waters to see if its safe to talk about your curiosity and then you go straight back into the closet saying you believe it's wrong. You shame yourself and put down my beliefs and friends, saying you believe homosexuality is unnatural. It scares me when I see that because I wonder if in the world you are some homophobic guy bashing gays but having these feelings yourself.
The last thing I want to say is, just like you take all these risks online telling strangers that you are embarrassed and curious and want to look at naked men etc... I know easier said than done, but take some risks in real life and also inside yourself. Nothing that's a part of humans since being a kid (and animals btw, do some research before you call something unnatural) cannot be unnatural! You live in [city I live in with a big gay population]! Gay people are the norm! I'm guessing there's shame or prejudice in your background or family, which of course makes this all harder....
Whatever the case may be, if you ever grow some balls and decide to explore this side of yourself let me know. I would support you emotionally or go with you to gay clubs or whatever you want. There are lots of people to support you.
Or maybe you are just curious and it means nothing... Who knows.... Whatever it is I encourage you to get honest with yourself and please stop writing women on dating sites about this, it's really not the place no act these things out.
I support you!!

Looking For A Girl Who's Not a Complete Faggot

Some days I forget that the sad state of affairs that exists on some of these online dating sites is super duper sad... But then I randomly see a mirror of what romance used to look like, just over 80 years ago, and I realize that there is some very sick and twisted shit occurring on the World Wild Web, which I guess means in the world at large as well.

Case in point-- I saw this beautiful heart-fluttering quote written by Henry Miller to Anais Nin, and then I saw this profile on Plenty of Fish, one after the other, in the same day.  

August 6, 1932:

       Don't expect me to be sane anymore.  Don't let's be sensible.  It was a marriage at Louveciennes - you can't dispute it.  I came away with pieces of you sticking to me; I am walking about, swimming, in an ocean of blood, your Andalusian blood, distilled and poisonous. Everything I do and say and think relates back to the marriage.  I saw you as the mistress of your home, a Moor with a heavy face, a negress with a white body, eyes all over your skin, woman, woman, woman. I can't see how I can go on living away from you....  You became a woman with me.  I was almost terrified by it.  You are not just thirty years old - you are a thousand years old....
      Anais, I only thought I loved you before; it was nothing like this certainty that's in me now. Was all this so wonderful only because it was brief and stolen?  Were we acting for each other, to each other?  Was I less I, or more I, and you less or more you?  Is it madness to believe that this could go on?  When and where would the drab moments begin?

Henry Miller, A Literate Passion

And then...

POF, A Random Profile, March 3, 2013

UPDATE: NO FAT CHICKS! Seriously, steer clear of my inbox if you're fat.

And Jesus Christ. ever since i posted the update, all i get a is a barrage of messages from fat chicks commenting on my update. THAT COMPLETELY DEFEATS THE PURPOSE!!!!! I feel like I need to physically build a door frame in front of my inbox so fat messages can't fit through. Like a semi-permeable cell wall. Sorry fat molecules: fat peg, height/weight-proportionate hole. Welcome, petite-ies!

also another update, looking for a girl who's not a complete faggot.

that said,

I like writing music, I like holing up in my room and practicing it for days, i like youtube, like the gym and yoga, love women of all shapes (UPDATE: EXCEPT FAT SHAPES) and all their subtleties, enjoy eating healthy. PARTYYYYYY!!!! Work hard play hard.

-no bleached vaginas 
-no Kegel Breath
-no facebook attentions whores
-no regular whores

-talk to you soon

I'm not saying Anais and Henry had the most healthy relationship, but there is a distinct difference in these two pieces of beautiful literature and their notions of romance, right?

The Quest for Perfection

 

  Gina (one of my best friends) and I often theorize about online dating.  She is currently engaged to someone wonderful that she didn't meet online, but she did her fair share of online dating for the little over a year she was single in-between relationships.  She also has a brother who frequently online dates, so she has learned a lot about the male perspective from him.

     Both Gina and I have had similar experiences: We were dating someone online for a few months, things seemed to be progressing normally, and then we were broken up with suddenly.  We had the same reactions of shock and confusion, and we've had many conversations trying to figure out the mystery.  We've both had long term relationships with people we've met online and offline, and this phenomena seems to be somewhat recent, since online dating has blown up.  The guys that have broken it off with me suddenly had various things to say, when I asked them why.

Here is the list of things I was told that I am or am not enough of:

- I'm not spiritual enough
- I'm too aggressive (both in the world and in bed)
- I have too many opinions
- Something is just "off"
- I talk too much during movies
- I'm too "sensitive"
- We are just too much alike
- We are just too different.

     While I completely respect everyone's right to have an incredible romantic relationship, and to be super picky because we all deserve someone fantabulous, some of these things totally baffle me.  I'd say they baffle me moreso because many of them have come back later and tried to date me again, telling me how amazing I am and pretty much taking back this feedback.

     This weekend I had first dates with two different guys that are very good looking.  BOTH of them said something like this to me:

"The thing about online dating, is that if you are seeing someone, and there is one thing wrong that you don't like, it's really easy to break it off with them because there are so many other women online.  These sites are like a schmorgesborg, with so many options.  And every day new people are joining them."

     Okay so, this is pretty much what Gina and I had already concluded when we theorized and talked about it.  Not so difficult to figure out or understand, but I'm grateful that I got some validation on the validity of this theory over the weekend.

     So what now?  This phenomena opens up questions for me, similar to those that I have about Facebook and other social media:  Has the internet brought us closer together, or is it pushing us farther apart?  With all the access we have to connection, we've also become somewhat numbed and super selective.  I can even feel similar things happening inside of me, as I've been bitten by the excitement bug of variety and selectivity.  With so many people writing me each day, why should I settle for less than the best?  But I ask these hotties online, myself included, how long can we go on this way, with short fleeting connections leading to nowhere?  Sure, the experiences can be mind blowing and incredible, but what about depth?  What about intimacy?  The true beauty of human connection, in my opinion, comes from loving the flaws, licking the wounds, sitting with the things that aren't so pretty as well as those that are stunning.  The addiction to newness leaves little room for growth and closeness... And so the search for the "perfect partner" continues...  But will they ever be found?